Stink Survey: Gun Control and the Second Amendment

muzzle-1080231_960_720With the gun control debate in the U.S. raging at its highest pitch in years—if not ever—Stink Whispers wanted to ask average American gun owners for their takes on the old adage “You can have my gun when you pry it from my colddead fingers.”

Here’s what they had to say.

“You can have my gun when you pry it from…”

 

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“…the gun safe in my basement. Seriously, I forgot the combination. If you can figure out how to open the fucking thing, you can keep the guns. Just promise me you won’t steal my farm animal porn.”

—Bart Grasley, 3rd grade teacher, New Mexico

 

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“…the quick-release holster hanging off the side of my wheelchair. That’s where I’ve kept it since I accidentally shot myself in the spine last summer.”

—Tyrone Chilton, lobbyist, Alabama

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Alzheimer’s Patient Finishes Last in Memory Quilt Competition

Newhope, AR – Based largely on his project’s Quiltcomplete lack of anything resembling a discernible memory, local quilter and Alzheimer’s patient Ansel Fromire finished in dead last at the 15th annual Western Arkansas Memory Quilt Competition (WAMQC).

Fromire’s quilt—which featured a collection of empty, brightly colored patches—was widely praised for it’s solid construction and fine stitching, but fell far short of the twelve “personally memorable items” required to be integrated into the finished product.

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Series Of Letters From A First-Time Camper To His Mother

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SUNDAY, JUNE 7

Dear Mommy,

I know it’s only been four hours since you dropped me off at Camp Webehagen, but I just had to write you to let you know how happy I am that you made me come to camp this summer. It’s so pretty here and the lake is as big as the biggest ocean!

It turns out they don’t have a computer at camp. So, if we want to write home, we have to do it with real pencil and paper. How neat is that?!?

I haven’t met many of my bunk mates yet, but you wouldn’t believe how many boys my age are here (not like back home). Timmy Melcher, the boy whose bed is right next to mine, seems like the coolest of the boys in my cabin. I can already tell we’re going to be best friends.

The camp counselors seem really friendly and helpful. My bunk counselor, Dale, wasn’t at the welcome orientation this morning, but I’ve heard he’s the best one in the entire camp. I must be the luckiest kid here!

Thanks for being my mom! I love you all the way to the moon and back!

Hugs and kisses,

— Benny

P.S. – Be sure to play fetch with Ruffy every day. Oh, and write me back soon!

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New Cialis Commercial Confuses the Hell Out of Boners Everywhere

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Police, paramedics and hospitals nationwide were flooded with calls from men with confused penises on Wednesday, following the airing of the latest commercial from Cialis, a leading supplier of treatments for erectile dysfunction.

Aired nationally during Game 5 of the NBA’s Eastern Conference Finals, the commercial featured three middle-aged white couples experiencing random bouts of extreme horniness — one while playing couples tennis, another while rowing a boat and a third while staining an antique bench in a driveway.

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Doctors Discover 40-Year-Old Diesel Engine Lodged In Nick Nolte’s Throat

A surgeon analyzes  a diesel engine shut-off mechanism removed from the lymph nodes of actor Nick Nolte (seen above).

Los Angeles, CA  Nick Nolte is in stable condition following emergency surgery to remove a 70s-era diesel engine that had been mysteriously lodged in his throat for over four decades. The Oscar-nominated actor—widely known for his low, raspy vocal delivery—was reportedly having dinner with friends at Los Angeles hot spot Spago on Wednesday evening when he clutched his throat and began coughing up thick diesel smoke. Upon arrival, EMT personnel discovered a grease-covered Mercedes diesel engine lodged right above Nolte’s larynx. As diners vacated the restaurant, a local mechanic dining at the popular eatery worked with paramedics to sedate Nolte and adjust the oil mixture in his throat engine. While no timetable has been released regarding when the actor will be available to work again, he is expected to be able to resume smoking four packs a day within the week. In related news, Nolte was cited by Los Angeles police prior to surgery for not meeting current California emissions standards. 

Veteran Narcissist Asks Millennials to Back the Fuck Off

 

Cambridge, MA – Complaining that he is unable to get people to applaud him for his modest achievements, local narcissist Gary Monroe has asked millennials in the Greater Boston area to refrain from successfully matching their larger-than-life egos with truly remarkable achievements. “This new generation just doesn’t understand that you don’t need to do great things to consider yourself superior to others,” said Monroe, 44, while working on an unimpressive painting he planned to hang on the lunchroom wall at work uninvited. “When I upload a video on YouTube of me playing basic chords on my guitar, I casually insert the fact into unrelated conversations. When millennials skillfully home-record tight EDM tracks in between volunteer gigs, they stream it for free on two dozen social media platforms and respond to every comment with ‘Just messing around in my free time.’ When I witness a societal ill, I share my unhelpful opinion with strangers at the gym. When millennials witness a societal ill, they write a blog post about a fundraiser they were honored to put together all by themselves and it gets picked up by The Huffington Post. Enough already.” In response to recent complaints, area millennial Josh Hammersman has offered to train older narcissists how to provide an actual positive impact on society while simultaneously shining a light on their humility and altruism.