With the gun control debate in the U.S. raging at its highest pitch in years—if not ever—Stink Whispers wanted to ask average American gun owners for their takes on the old adage “You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.”

Here’s what they had to say.

“You can have my gun when you pry it from…”

“…the gun safe in my basement. Seriously, I forgot the combination. If you can figure out how to open the fucking thing, you can keep the guns. Just promise me you won’t steal my farm animal porn.”

—Bart Grasley, 3rd grade teacher, New Mexico

“…the quick-release holster hanging off the side of my wheelchair. That’s where I’ve kept it since I accidentally shot myself in the spine last summer.”

—Tyrone Chilton, lobbyist, Alabama

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Newhope, AR – Based largely on his project’s complete lack of anything resembling a discernible memory, local quilter and Alzheimer’s patient Ansel Fromire finished in dead last at the 15th annual Western Arkansas Memory Quilt Competition (WAMQC).

Fromire’s quilt—which featured a collection of empty, brightly colored patches—was widely praised for it’s solid construction and fine stitching, but fell far short of the twelve “personally memorable items” required to be integrated into the finished product.

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SUNDAY, JUNE 7

Dear Mommy,

I know it’s only been four hours since you dropped me off at Camp Webehagen, but I just had to write you to let you know how happy I am that you made me come to camp this summer. It’s so pretty here and the lake is as big as the biggest ocean!

It turns out they don’t have a computer at camp. So, if we want to write home, we have to do it with real pencil and paper. How neat is that?!?

I haven’t met many of my bunk mates yet, but you wouldn’t believe how many boys my age are here (not like back home). Timmy Melcher, the boy whose bed is right next to mine, seems like the coolest of the boys in my cabin. I can already tell we’re going to be best friends.

The camp counselors seem really friendly and helpful. My bunk counselor, Dale, wasn’t at the welcome orientation this morning, but I’ve heard he’s the best one in the entire camp. I must be the luckiest kid here!

Thanks for being my mom! I love you all the way to the moon and back!

Hugs and kisses,

— Benny

P.S. – Be sure to play fetch with Ruffy every day. Oh, and write me back soon!

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Police, paramedics and hospitals nationwide were flooded with calls from men with confused penises on Wednesday, following the airing of the latest commercial from Cialis, a leading supplier of treatments for erectile dysfunction.

Aired nationally during Game 5 of the NBA’s Eastern Conference Finals, the commercial featured three middle-aged white couples experiencing random bouts of extreme horniness — one while playing couples tennis, another while rowing a boat and a third while staining an antique bench in a driveway.

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Cambridge, MA – Complaining that he is unable to get people to applaud him for his modest achievements, local narcissist Gary Monroe has asked millennials in the Greater Boston area to refrain from successfully matching their larger-than-life egos with truly remarkable achievements. “This new generation just doesn’t understand that you don’t need to do great things to consider yourself superior to others,” said Monroe, 44, while working on an unimpressive painting he planned to hang on the lunchroom wall at work uninvited. “When I upload a video on YouTube of me playing basic chords on my guitar, I casually insert the fact into unrelated conversations. When millennials skillfully home-record tight EDM tracks in between volunteer gigs, they stream it for free on two dozen social media platforms and respond to every comment with ‘Just messing around in my free time.’ When I witness a societal ill, I share my unhelpful opinion with strangers at the gym. When millennials witness a societal ill, they write a blog post about a fundraiser they were honored to put together all by themselves and it gets picked up by The Huffington Post. Enough already.” In response to recent complaints, area millennial Josh Hammersman has offered to train older narcissists how to provide an actual positive impact on society while simultaneously shining a light on their humility and altruism. 

In our first installment of our “Al Sharpton Points His Finger at…” series, the reverend explores the increasing cost of his favorite white undershirt and the larger implications this has on society.

Hello, my friends,

It’s Thursday, and I’m pissed. I just went to Target to buy some white Hanes undershirts for a trip I’m taking to Barbados to discuss minority education disparities in urban St. Louis, and a 3-pack of crew neck tees cost $12.49. You heard me right. Twelve fuckin’ dollars and forty-nine god-damned cents!

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Laura Vento, above, claims to have been abducted from bathtub by Calgon in 1984. She  served as a truck stop “masseuse” until her rescue in 2012.

Pittsburgh, PA — Benjamin Calgon, founder of Calgon, Inc., the eight largest bath and beauty product company in the world, was arrested on Thursday on charges that he had abducted and abused 2.1 million women from their bathtubs over the past four-plus decades.

Known for its commercials that had stressed women uttering the phrase “Calgon, take me away!” (click here), the Calgon company is believed to have been used as a front for its founder’s complex, often violent, kidnapping and sex-trafficking operation since 1968. Victims were allegedly removed from their tubs in large flying bubbles and forced to work as migrant farmers or truck-stop prostitutes.

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Flex Seal spokesman Phil Swift reportedly killed four pirates before abandoning ship.

Okemah, OK — A group of heavily armed Somali pirates were killed on Saturday afternoon, following a failed attempt to hijack the famous Flex Seal “screen door” boat on Okemah Lake. The deceased pirates, none of whom were apparently able to even tread water, are believed to be the same group that had taken part in a number of bloody oil tanker hijackings off the horn of Africa in recent months.

Captained by Flex Seal spokesman Phil Swift, the screen door boat was on a standard test run on Saturday when it was approached by a large speed boat carrying 13 Somalian males armed with AK-47s and machetes. After a nearly three-hour chase, during which Swift expertly evaded the Somalians with a series of shifty paddling maneuvers, the Somalian vessel eventually snagged the craft with grappling hooks.

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