Okay, Assholes,

Apparently, none of you read my letter asking—no, begging—you not to vote for me for District 2 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor. How do I know that? Well, if you had, perhaps I wouldn’t have won re-election by an unprecedented tally of 11,274 votes to 3.

For a frame of reference, Broward County has 9,782 registered voters. That is approximately 1,500 fewer eligible voters than the total vote tally in yesterday’s election. Not only does this mean that just about every single registered voter in this county cast a vote for a guy who wanted nothing to do with the office of District 2 Soil And Water Conservation Supervisor, it also means that a concerted voter fraud effort was perpetrated to ensure that I got stuck monitoring dirt and water for another three years.

It’s probably pointless, but I have to ask “why?” What have I done to deserve this? We all know it has nothing to do with my skills on the conservation front. I can’t reiterate enough how little I could care about water quality and soil erosion. I’d rather suck Elmer’s Glue from an alpaca’s dick than learn about that shit.

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Dear Neighbors,

It’s that time once again. Election Day. The time when residents from across Broward County muster all of their courage and convictions as they engage in the purest of civic duties—voting.

Unfortunately for those heroic citizens, each and every one will enter their respective voting booths on Tuesday dead-set on electing a true visionary for the role of District 2 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor, only to find my name resting ominously on the ballot. That fucking sucks.

That’s right, despite completing a never-ending series of bureaucratic procedures to remove my name from the re-election process for the fourth straight time, the powers-that-be have decided to keep me on this year’s ballot.

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Washington, DC – Representatives Nancy Pelosi (D-California) and Michelle Bachmann (R-Minnesota) held an entirely unnecessary joint news conference on Thursday to bitch endlessly about what they perceive to be a predominance of sexist portrayals of women in politics by male journalists and politicians — portrayals that paint females as idiotic and insufferable bags of skin hell-bent on overstepping their bounds as the inferior gender.

While the two veteran politicians have a history of operating on opposite ends of the political spectrum, Bachmann and Pelosi came together under the annoying banner of female unity to shrilly spread their pointless message of equality, all without an ounce of the class or decorum expected from women who are allowed by their husbands to work outside of the home.

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