“There are causes worth dying for, but none worth killing for.”
Vicksville, AL – What started out as local housewife Nancy Pert’s attempt to buy three bottles of generic margarita mix at an area Walmart on Thursday turned into a chaotic celebration resulting in a fourth bottle of margarita mix being purchased.
A longtime alcoholic and Walmart patron, Pert was vomiting in the store’s parking lot when she was approached by security, escorted back into the store, and informed that the margarita mix she had just purchased was actually on sale. Upon being handed a $5 bill and some change, Pert reportedly screamed an obscenity, fell into an end-cap display of Maroon 5 CDs, and quickly purchased another bottle of margarita mix.
“At first I thought they were stopping me ’cause they thought I stealed the margarita mix,” said Pert, picking up a used cigarette butt and placing it in her pocket. “Then they told me that I ain’t took all my change. [Burps] When they handed over the money, I said ‘Shit. I’m gonna get me some more mix!'”
Boston, MA – Gillette, the makers of the revolutionary Mach 3 and Mach 3 Turbo razors for men, have introduced a new shaving technology designed to intimidate facial hair to the point that it will pack its shit and leave your face yesterday.
Sharper than fuck, the Gillette Mach 12 Turbo consists of twelve unpredictably sharp blades carved from the bones of pissed-off American Indian warriors who were forcibly removed from their lands by white settlers in the 1800s. Each blade is rumored to cut whatever the hell it wants, whenever the hell it wants to, leaving men with a shave so close that women will lose their god-damned minds.
SCENE: GOTHAM DENNY’S – MORNING
Batman enters the restaurant, spots Bane sitting alone in a two-person booth, and walks over to join him.
BATMAN (sitting down): Hey. You been waiting long?
BANE (touching his ear): What’s that?
BATMAN: I asked if you’ve been waiting long?
BANE: Sorry. Didn’t get a word.
BATMAN: Huh?
BANE (louder): I said I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
BATMAN: What does she have to do with it?
Finding a job in the present-day economy is a challenge, to say the least. With companies slashing budgets, consolidating duties and moving positions out of the country, each new opening brings with it increased pressures for job candidates.
For canines, the pressures of interviewing can be substantially higher. Shorter life spans, chronic bad breath and a proclivity for most breeds to shed on office furniture puts many dogs at a distinct disadvantage when facing off against humans for a paycheck.
So, what’s a dog to do when interviewing for that perfect job?
POOP BEFORE YOU LEAVE HOME. In a 2011 survey of hiring managers from Fortune 500 companies, just under 70% listed “pooping on my office furniture or carpet” as their biggest complaint regarding applicants. Conversely, only 9% listed it as the thing they look for most in an applicant. While every job interview is a bit of a gamble, those are odds you don’t want to mess with.
FANNY PACK
Sex: Male
Age: 44
Backstory: Deathly allergic to using pants pockets since the age of three, Bill Garrison spent years attempting to find a safe, yet stylish, way to transport his everyday valuables. While on vacation in Europe in 1996, Garrison noticed a group of practical American tourists wearing snazzy-looking waist purses that allowed them to freely use their arms while still keeping their valuables close. He purchased his own pack moments later. Like Garrison’s chances of ever getting laid, the rest is history.
Super Power: Fanny Pack doesn’t actually have any super powers, but he does have a shit-load of stuff in his leather belly bag, including bug spray, handy wipes, an Olive Garden gift card, an empty Altoids tin, $6.84 in assorted change and a toothpick that’s still in good enough shape to use again if he needs it.
Mortal Enemy: The year 2012
Louisville, KY – In an announcement that has digestive tracts across the country rumbling, Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) has announced the September release of a brand new multi-food bowl offering guaranteed to induce immediate, possibly violent, diarrhea.
Following in the tradition of the restaurant chain’s wildly successful Famous Bowl, KFC’s new “Yummtastic Bowl” consists of cream corn, uncooked chicken skin, mop-bucket water and a variety of other unnamed ingredients randomly poured into an inexpensive plastic bowl.
“KFC’s long-standing tradition of providing families with inexpensive meal options, none of which can be proven with 100% certainty to cause diabetes, is alive and well,” said company CEO Dean Kepler. “With the release of this tasty new offering, no longer will hungry Americans need to spend hours attempting to create a mildly edible meal out of tainted, discarded and otherwise-leftover food items. Now, KFC will do it for you!”
1. An upgraded XFINITY cable internet subscription. While not a classically romantic gift idea, this one would’ve been key. A slow and/or spotty internet connection is the only reason I can piece together for my lady’s inability to accept even one of my twenty-three initial friend requests. Without a doubt, these missed social media interactions played a key role in her out-of-character reaction to the innocent email I sent asking why she was being a colossally stuck-up whore. Amazing how a few megabytes here or there can so soundly impede true love.
2. A donation in her name to the Special Olympics. Call me crazy, but there is nothing sexier to me than a charitable woman. When I learned via Facebook that the love of my life was volunteering for the Special Olympics Summer Games in Dallas, TX, I just had to show up unannounced and voice my support from the stands every time she helped one of those goofy kids climb over a hurdle or attempt a cartwheel. If appreciation can be judged by the number of times a person points you out to onsite security, it’s fair to say that I scored more than a few points on that day. A ten-spot in her name to the charity would be the least I could do to repay that look in her eyes.
DEAR MEN’S WAREHOUSE iPHONE APP: I’ve been dating my boyfriend Alex for ten years, and he still changes the subject every time I bring up marriage. Am I wasting my time staying with him? — STILL SINGLE
DEAR STILL SINGLE: Every relationship has it’s own unique timeline. While some may progress at a heart-pounding pace, others may inch along like a T-Mobile MyTouch attempting to download another men’s clothing retailer’s smartphone app.
The question you need to ask yourself is: Is my boyfriend worth the wait?
Stink Whispers 