In our first installment of our “Al Sharpton Points His Finger at…” series, the reverend explores the increasing cost of his favorite white undershirt and the larger implications this has on society.
Hello, my friends,
It’s Thursday, and I’m pissed. I just went to Target to buy some white Hanes undershirts for a trip I’m taking to Barbados to discuss minority education disparities in urban St. Louis, and a 3-pack of crew neck tees cost $12.49. You heard me right. Twelve fuckin’ dollars and forty-nine god-damned cents!
Pittsburgh, PA — Benjamin Calgon, founder of Calgon, Inc., the eight largest bath and beauty product company in the world, was arrested on Thursday on charges that he had abducted and abused 2.1 million women from their bathtubs over the past four-plus decades.
Known for its commercials that had stressed women uttering the phrase “Calgon, take me away!” (click here), the Calgon company is believed to have been used as a front for its founder’s complex, often violent, kidnapping and sex-trafficking operation since 1968. Victims were allegedly removed from their tubs in large flying bubbles and forced to work as migrant farmers or truck-stop prostitutes.
Okemah, OK — A group of heavily armed Somali pirates were killed on Saturday afternoon, following a failed attempt to hijack the famous Flex Seal “screen door” boat on Okemah Lake. The deceased pirates, none of whom were apparently able to even tread water, are believed to be the same group that had taken part in a number of bloody oil tanker hijackings off the horn of Africa in recent months.
Captained by Flex Seal spokesman Phil Swift, the screen door boat was on a standard test run on Saturday when it was approached by a large speed boat carrying 13 Somalian males armed with AK-47s and machetes. After a nearly three-hour chase, during which Swift expertly evaded the Somalians with a series of shifty paddling maneuvers, the Somalian vessel eventually snagged the craft with grappling hooks.
“There are causes worth dying for, but none worth killing for.”
Here are five irrefutable reasons why military leaders across the globe should strongly consider replacing their deadly methods of waging war with the world’s most underrated calisthenic—the squat thrust.
Vicksville, AL – What started out as local housewife Nancy Pert’s attempt to buy three bottles of generic margarita mix at an area Walmart on Thursday turned into a chaotic celebration resulting in a fourth bottle of margarita mix being purchased.
A longtime alcoholic and Walmart patron, Pert was vomiting in the store’s parking lot when she was approached by security, escorted back into the store, and informed that the margarita mix she had just purchased was actually on sale. Upon being handed a $5 bill and some change, Pert reportedly screamed an obscenity, fell into an end-cap display of Maroon 5 CDs, and quickly purchased another bottle of margarita mix.
“At first I thought they were stopping me ’cause they thought I stealed the margarita mix,” said Pert, picking up a used cigarette butt and placing it in her pocket. “Then they told me that I ain’t took all my change. [Burps] When they handed over the money, I said ‘Shit. I’m gonna get me some more mix!'”
Boston, MA – Gillette, the makers of the revolutionary Mach 3 and Mach 3 Turbo razors for men, have introduced a new shaving technology designed to intimidate facial hair to the point that it will pack its shit and leave your face yesterday.
Sharper than fuck, the Gillette Mach 12 Turbo consists of twelve unpredictably sharp blades carved from the bones of pissed-off American Indian warriors who were forcibly removed from their lands by white settlers in the 1800s. Each blade is rumored to cut whatever the hell it wants, whenever the hell it wants to, leaving men with a shave so close that women will lose their god-damned minds.