Jihadists grab popcorn before the 8 p.m. showing of Grey.

In an unprecedented move that sent shockwaves throughout the Middle East, senior leaders from the radical Islamic terrorist organization ISIS initiated a one-day cease fire on Valentine’s Day, so that its jihadists could attend screenings of the film adaptation of E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey.

A staple on the ISIS required reading list—along with the Quran and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People—Fifty Shades of Grey is distributed to all new recruits at training camps across the Middle East, with individual combat training only taking place after an intense series of book-related quizzes are completed and passed.

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Grand Rapids, MI — Addressing supporters at a recent fundraising dinner, President Barrack Obama expressed a growing concern over the continued lack of successful suicide attempts by banking executives on Wall Street. 

“I stand before you today with a heavy heart,” said a visibly weary Obama. “If you would’ve told me three years ago that the suicide rate of U.S. bankers in 2012 would be under 2%, I would’ve called you a fool. Yet here we are, three years later, with fewer dead bankers, brokers and traders than at any time in this nation’s history.”

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Partners Steven Balter and Rodrigo Estaban enjoy DQ’s newly taboo dipped cones.

Vatican City — The Roman Catholic Church continued its campaign against homosexuality on Firday, releasing an official denouncement of all same-sex Dairy Queen purchases, to take effect immediately.

According to the Vatican, homosexuals not paying separately for their delicious DQ frozen treats will be in direct contradiction with the millenia-old wishes of the Lord, their God.

Friday’s announcement marks the 4,137th recorded homosexual-related condemnation in the Vatican’s storied history, following its well-publicized opposition to gay marriage and its lesser-known attacks on same-sex tandem biking and same-sex viewing of ITT Tech commercials on DirecTv. While the church has yet to rescind any previous denouncements, it has softened its stance regarding same-sex couples who engage in gay-bashing activities.

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