Series Of Letters From A First-Time Camper To His Mother

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SUNDAY, JUNE 7

Dear Mommy,

I know it’s only been four hours since you dropped me off at Camp Webehagen, but I just had to write you to let you know how happy I am that you made me come to camp this summer. It’s so pretty here and the lake is as big as the biggest ocean!

It turns out they don’t have a computer at camp. So, if we want to write home, we have to do it with real pencil and paper. How neat is that?!?

I haven’t met many of my bunk mates yet, but you wouldn’t believe how many boys my age are here (not like back home). Timmy Melcher, the boy whose bed is right next to mine, seems like the coolest of the boys in my cabin. I can already tell we’re going to be best friends.

The camp counselors seem really friendly and helpful. My bunk counselor, Dale, wasn’t at the welcome orientation this morning, but I’ve heard he’s the best one in the entire camp. I must be the luckiest kid here!

Thanks for being my mom! I love you all the way to the moon and back!

Hugs and kisses,

— Benny

P.S. – Be sure to play fetch with Ruffy every day. Oh, and write me back soon!

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MONDAY, JUNE 22

Hi Mommy!

Thanks for writing me back! I was hoping you’d write sooner, but waiting over three weeks to receive a letter actually made it kinda exciting. I really liked the pictures you enclosed of you and your new boyfriend (and his kids) at Disney World. It sure looks fun there!

Thanks bunches for sending the care package. Most of the other kids’ moms sent them homemade brownies, fun money and toys, but I really liked the Ziplock bag of Hydrox cookies you mailed in the shoebox too. They were kinda crushed into little pieces when I opened the box, and Timmy Melcher threw most of them in the toilet when I was at arts and crafts class, but the few pieces I did eat were yummy!

I haven’t made any real friends yet, but I think that’s just because it’s my first time here. Timmy Melcher said he’d drink a whole bucket of dog pee-pee (he used a different word) if I made even one friend during camp. It seemed like a strange thing to say, but I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I have like ten best friends by the end of summer!

Still having fun. I miss you!

Love,

— Benny

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FRIDAY, JUNE 26

Hey Mommy!

You won’t believe what I just drank at lunch. Bug juice!

Dont worry, it’s just cherry Kool-Aid that they call “bug juice” to be silly. Fooled you, though, didn’t I?

I sat next to a girl named Susie at the all-camp talent show last night. We talked about our favorite cartoons for a long time, and I think she wanted to be my girlfriend. Then Timmy Melcher came over and told her I had a notebook full of wiener drawings under my bunk, and she wouldn’t sit next to me anymore. That darn Timmy.

I got in a little bit of trouble with the Dale two nights ago for saying my prayers before bedtime. He said that religion had no place in his cabin and to go “pray in the woods if it’s that important to ya.” Oh well.

Well, it’s almost time for the free swim, so I’d better go. If I’m the last one down to the lake, the lifeguards make me swim in the weedy area with all the snakes.

Write me soon, okay?

XOXOXO

— Benjamin

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SATURDAY, JULY 4

Hi Mom,

Happy 4th of July!

Haven’t received a letter from you lately, but I hope everything is alright. Dale said that maybe you didn’t want to waste your time writing me, but I told him that you would never forget your little boy. He said that it must’ve gotten lost in the mail then. He also told me that if I was going to cry about it, I should go into the woods to do it. He’s funny.

Things haven’t been quite as fun as I’d hoped around here lately. It seems like all the other kids are having a blast, but I bet deep down they feel lonely and sad all of the time too. They must just hide it better than me, I guess.

None of the other boys talk to me much, except when they’re calling me “Turdy McPoopface” or singing songs about how I’ll never grow pubic hair…whatever that is.

I tried to tell Andy, the camp director, that Timmy Melcher cut big holes in the naughty area of all of my shorts and underwear, but he told me that “nobody likes a tattle-mouthed motherfucker” and made me wash and wax the camp bus as punishment.

Camp doesn’t end for another five weeks, but if you miss me too much and want me to come home early, I would do it. Just let me know.

Love,

— Benjamin

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THURSDAY, JULY 9

Mom,

Should I be worried that you’ve only written me once? I’m sure there are other kids here who haven’t heard from there parents in over a month, but since no one younger than 21 years old has talked to me in weeks, I wouldn’t know.

In case you’re wondering, I don’t think I like Camp Webehagen one little bit anymore. The camp nurse refuses to remove the leeches Danny Spiller put on my back. I’m only allowed to sit by the fire pit after the other campers have gone to bed and they’ve doused the fire with lake water. Worst of all, the old man who’s painting the boathouse won’t stop trying to give me back rubs.

Andy made me pull weeds with my bare hands every day last week as punishment for “acting like a whiny bitch all the time.” I didn’t know hands could bleed this much.

Say “Hi!” to Ruffy for me. I sure do miss that pooch.

Yours truly,

— Ben

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FRIDAY, JULY 17

My Dearest Mother,

Still no letter? Wow. Complete punch to the nuts.

Not that you care, but they stopped feeding me last week. I don’t know why. At this point, I don’t care. I had a dream last night that you brought Ruffy to visit me at camp and I strangled and ate him. When I woke up, I cried. Not because I had the dream, but because the dream wasn’t true.

That fucking twat Timmy Melcher shaved my eyebrows off while I slept. When he pointed it out to everyone in the chow hall the next morning, the whole place broke out in insane laughter. Then, I realized that it wasn’t the other children who were laughing. It was me…and only me.

Dale went missing two nights ago. That’s all I have to say about that.

Wish I could write more, but the wounds on my hands from all the weed picking are starting to fester and bleed. The blood is red and thick, and it pours from my hands into a small puddle on the floor. It is a hauntingly beautiful sight.

The pain of life is equaled only by the certainty of death.

— Ben

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SUNDAY, JULY 19

Hi Mom,

Rained all day. Boo!

— Ben

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MONDAY, JULY 20

Dear Mrs. Peterson,

Timmy Melcher is dead. I stabbed him with my toothbrush while he slept and buried his body out behind the tether ball pole. Since they have yet to feed me, I decided to eat Timmy’s soul. It tasted like chocolate covered cherries. Delicious.

I despise you,

— Your son

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SUNDAY, JULY 26

Lady,

Dale’s bloated corpse washed up on shore yesterday. Who could’ve done such a thing to another human?

I drew a picture for you.

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— B

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TUESDAY, AUGUST 4

Wench,

The boy you dropped off three months ago no longer exists. In his place lives a horned demon by the name of Gormax the Defiler. Do not bother to seek him out on Parent’s Day at camp’s end. When he is ready, he will find you. He will most definitely find you.

XOXOXO

— Gormax

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