With the gun control debate in the U.S. raging at its highest pitch in years—if not ever—Stink Whispers wanted to ask average American gun owners for their takes on the old adage “You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.”

Here’s what they had to say.

“You can have my gun when you pry it from…”

“…the gun safe in my basement. Seriously, I forgot the combination. If you can figure out how to open the fucking thing, you can keep the guns. Just promise me you won’t steal my farm animal porn.”

—Bart Grasley, 3rd grade teacher, New Mexico

“…the quick-release holster hanging off the side of my wheelchair. That’s where I’ve kept it since I accidentally shot myself in the spine last summer.”

—Tyrone Chilton, lobbyist, Alabama

“…the bank that repossessed it and all of my other possessions while I was at Walmart buying a 72″ television on a credit card with 35% APR.”

—Susan Bretlow, part-time cashier, Idaho

“…the bottom of the Acushnet River. Oh, fuck! I mean, I was at the movies when that guy wearing the throwback Celtics jersey got shot twice in the chest and once in the leg last week at 11:34 p.m. in the Dairy Queen parking lot off Burling Ave. I don’t know nuthin’!”

—Derek “D-Bones” Vincentes, youth mentor, Rhode Island

“…warm, alive fingers. Just ask, and it’s yours. I’ve got a trip to Aruba planned for March. I’m not risking losing inexpensive tropical drinks and late-night pool sex with my new girlfriend over a hunting rifle I haven’t used since I was 17.”

—Eric Murphy, software engineer, Minnesota