Nashville, TN – Beseiged by rumors that he is shrinking at an uncontrollable rate, country music star Keith Urban denied the claims Thursday while resting comfortably in wife Nicole Kidman’s custom-made Louis Vuitton handbag.

“Despite what you’ve heard, I am not now, nor have I ever been, shrinking ever closer to the size of an action figure,” said Urban while resting his tiny head on a powder puff he found in Kidman’s makeup compact. “I intend to vigorously fight these vicious rumors immediately after Nicole lifts me up to get a drink at that water fountain over there.”

Known for his guitar-infused pop country songs, Urban skyrocketed to the top of the country music charts in 2002 with the hit single “Somebody Like You.” Not long after the New Zealand native received Male Vocalist of the Year at the 2004 CMA Awards, however, rumors began circulating that his already diminutive frame was shrinking at a rate of 1-2 inches per year. At the time of his marriage to actress Nicole Kidman in 2006, Urban was reportedly wearing a boys size 6 tuxedo.

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Bieber accepts his dangerously sharp award.

Responding to pressure from concerned music lovers across the globe, the governing board of the Grammy Awards presented Justin Bieber with a posthumous Lifetime Achievement Award, with the hope that the oddly successful pop singer would decide to take his own life.

The 24-carat award—which featured a dangerously sharp knife and could be heard ticking—was thrown at Bieber as he ascended the stairs to the stage to accept the award. Presenter Steven Tyler’s throw traveled less than three feet, though, and Bieber accepted his award to rousing applause and several gunshots from an audience long anticipating his death.

“Anyone who knows me knows that I’m just a modest guy whose overwhelming talent, charm and beauty make the world a crazy better place,” said Bieber, while being handed a loaded pistol by a Grammy stage model. “Accepting this award while y’all flash those appreciative throat-slashing gestures is the icing on this tasty cake that we all call ‘Biebs.’”

Along with the award, Bieber was also presented with a gift basket containing razor blades, incorrectly cooked meth, a coffee can filled with expired painkillers, and instructions for tying an unbreakable noose.

Jeff Tweedy sings “Art of Almost” into a ham and cheddar sandwich during a recent show in Tulsa.

Chicago, IL — Wilco frontman Jeff Tweedy has reached an agreement with a Chicago-based catering company to replace each of his microphones with assorted deli sandwiches for the band’s upcoming tour. As part of the six-figure agreement, Tweedy’s mic stand will now be topped with a rotating selection of ham- and turkey-based offerings, each adjusted to the proper height to allow the plump indie-rock legend to take in-song bites with minimal effort.

Designed by Tweedy himself, the new “sandwich mic” is believed to be the first in a series of radical on-stage innovations designed to ensure the increasingly obese musician is never more than eight steps away from food. Other steps include replacing the guts of his amps with potato salad, using guitar strings made of black licorice, and filling his on-stage water bottles with beef gravy.

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Danbury, CT – John William Oates, half of the chart-topping musical duo Hall & Oates, was found dead Monday afternoon in the woods behind his Danbury, CT residence, the apparent victim of a man-eating bear.

According to just-released autopsy reports, Oates’ fatal wounds were consistent with those inflicted by the average North American Grizzly bear. Wounds included over three dozen deep gouges on the Grammy Award-winning musician’s torso, as well as the removal and consumption of the “Rich Girl” writer’s internal organs.

Forensic experts estimate the age of the bear responsible for the killing to be between 30 and 35 years of age. At the time of this report, the animal is still at large and considered to be very dangerous.

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Jared Tooney, lead singer of Rape Cannon, attempts to drown out the crowd’s chants for the band to cease playing.

St. Paul, MN – Breaking their own unwritten rule of ignoring fan requests during performances, Twin Cities hardcore trio Rape Cannon cut their show at Ted’s Bar short after those in attendance started chanting “ONE MORE SONG!” a mere five minutes into their first set.

After finishing a slightly off-key performance of their opening song, the fist-pumping anthem “You Can’t Break Wind with a Hammer,” the marginally talented musicians from St. Paul were swapping out guitars when bar patron Derrick Longley started chanting the phrase usually reserved for an act’s final encore. In a matter of seconds, the crowd of just under a dozen concert-goers joined in with Longley’s chant, harmonizing and stomping their feet as they did so.

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St. Paul, MN – An out of control “facts-only” rap battle left two people with severely hurt feelings and another four with varying levels of embarrassment Wednesday evening.

The battle between street rappers Derek “T-Kettle” Minton and Aaron “B-Hive” Blevins took place in the parking lot of the Wendy’s restaurant at the intersection of Dale St. and University Ave. in St. Paul. Both rapper’s feelings were heavily bruised following what one witness described as “a ruthless series of well-researched, fact-based disses.”

Blevins, who conceded defeat in the fourth round, was reported to have received significant emotional scarring which will most likely require some positive reinforcement from friends and family, as well as a full-night’s sleep. The full extent of Minton’s hurt feelings were not immediately available.

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After evenly dividing the past decade between imagination-deprived songwriting and an apathy towards anything resembling his former success, it looks as though Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo has finally taken the plunge fans and critics have been expecting for years and become a complete and utter sell-out.

In a move that must have delighted Weezer’s fourteen remaining fans, Cuomo, whose last few albums with the former alt. rock darlings have proven as underwhelming as a ValuPak coupon mailing, joined forces with hip hop talent-vortex B.o.B., lending his voice to the aspiring pop star’s latest waste-of-five-minutes “Magic.”

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