New Cialis Commercial Confuses the Hell Out of Boners Everywhere

Confuse

Police, paramedics and hospitals nationwide were flooded with calls from men with confused penises on Wednesday, following the airing of the latest commercial from Cialis, a leading supplier of treatments for erectile dysfunction.

Aired nationally during Game 5 of the NBA’s Eastern Conference Finals, the commercial featured three middle-aged white couples experiencing random bouts of extreme horniness — one while playing couples tennis, another while rowing a boat and a third while staining an antique bench in a driveway.

While most men reportedly found the couples moderately attractive, many said their dicks seemed confused by the message that doing chores or playing recreational sports were natural preludes to sex. As a result of the mixed message, emergency rooms across the country saw a drastic increase in the number of reported cases of penis cramps, premature greying of pubic hair, and the rarely seen “inverted boner.”

“I’m all for gettin’ some action whenever you can,” said Baltimore resident Anthony Kingston, holding a cold compress to his crotch in a local Emergency Room. “But when I saw that couple getting all riled up from restoring an old piece of furniture, I could’ve sworn I heard my dick yell, “What in the holy fuck?!?”

When informed that their commercial had resulted in more than 2,000 emergency room visits, 911 calls and even a murder-suicide, Cialis representatives denied any wrongdoing and announced plans to move forward with all future airings of the commercial in question.

“While Cialis has always viewed our customers with the utmost respect and empathy, we believe that the imagery and messaging in our latest commercial is erotic as fuck,” said Gary Antherly, vice president of advertising. “Just thinking about that cougar swinging her tennis racket for the game-winning point has me at half staff, if you know what I mean.”

In response to Wednesday’s news, Pfizer announced the cancellation of its new Viagra commercial that shows an elderly couple getting aroused during an IRS audit.

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