Series Of Letters From A First-Time Camper To His Mother

IMG_2976.JPG

SUNDAY, JUNE 7

Dear Mommy,

I know it’s only been four hours since you dropped me off at Camp Webehagen, but I just had to write you to let you know how happy I am that you made me come to camp this summer. It’s so pretty here and the lake is as big as the biggest ocean!

It turns out they don’t have a computer at camp. So, if we want to write home, we have to do it with real pencil and paper. How neat is that?!?

I haven’t met many of my bunk mates yet, but you wouldn’t believe how many boys my age are here (not like back home). Timmy Melcher, the boy whose bed is right next to mine, seems like the coolest of the boys in my cabin. I can already tell we’re going to be best friends.

The camp counselors seem really friendly and helpful. My bunk counselor, Dale, wasn’t at the welcome orientation this morning, but I’ve heard he’s the best one in the entire camp. I must be the luckiest kid here!

Thanks for being my mom! I love you all the way to the moon and back!

Hugs and kisses,

— Benny

P.S. – Be sure to play fetch with Ruffy every day. Oh, and write me back soon! Continue reading

Advertisements

New Cialis Commercial Confuses the Hell Out of Boners Everywhere

Confuse

Police, paramedics and hospitals nationwide were flooded with calls from men with confused penises on Wednesday, following the airing of the latest commercial from Cialis, a leading supplier of treatments for erectile dysfunction.

Aired nationally during Game 5 of the NBA’s Eastern Conference Finals, the commercial featured three middle-aged white couples experiencing random bouts of extreme horniness — one while playing couples tennis, another while rowing a boat and a third while staining an antique bench in a driveway.

Continue reading

Keith Urban Denies Rumors That He’s Shrinking From The Comfort Of Nicole Kidman’s Handbag

urban-kidmanNashville, TN – Beseiged by rumors that he is shrinking at an uncontrollable rate, country music star Keith Urban denied the claims Thursday while resting comfortably in wife Nicole Kidman’s custom-made Louis Vuitton handbag.

“Despite what you’ve heard, I am not now, nor have I ever been, shrinking ever closer to the size of an action figure,” said Urban while resting his tiny head on a powder puff he found in Kidman’s makeup compact. “I intend to vigorously fight these vicious rumors immediately after Nicole lifts me up to get a drink at that water fountain over there.”

Known for his guitar-infused pop country songs, Urban skyrocketed to the top of the country music charts in 2002 with the hit single “Somebody Like You.” Not long after the New Zealand native received Male Vocalist of the Year at the 2004 CMA Awards, however, rumors began circulating that his already diminutive frame was shrinking at a rate of 1-2 inches per year. At the time of his marriage to actress Nicole Kidman in 2006, Urban was reportedly wearing a boys size 6 tuxedo.

Continue reading

9.5 Reasons Not To Send Your Child To A Daycare Center Run By Kid Rock

Kid Rock.jpg

1. No matter what your child is wearing when you drop him off, he’ll be wearing a wife beater when you pick him up.

2. Story time is almost exclusively filled with fairy tales involving hookers and blow.

3. Parent-teacher conferences result in gunfire more often than they don’t involve gunfire.

4. Studies show that no child has ever successfully fallen asleep to “American Bad Ass” during nap time.

5. Chlamydia is one of the morning snack options.

6. When Kid Rock is on tour, the center is run by Buckcherry’s lead singer.

7. The early reading curriculum was replaced with rap rock lessons in 2007.

8. The center’s website highlights “three straight years of decreased stabbings.”

9. Teacher uniforms show 84% more nipple than traditional Montessori centers.

9.5. His late pick-up fees are ridiculous.

Grammys Honor Justin Bieber With Posthumous Lifetime Achievement Award In Hopes He’ll Commit Suicide

Grammys To Honor Justin Bieber With Posthumous Lifetime Achievement Award In Hopes He'll Commit Suicide

Bieber accepts his dangerously sharp award.

Responding to pressure from concerned music lovers across the globe, the governing board of the Grammy Awards presented Justin Bieber with a posthumous Lifetime Achievement Award, with the hope that the oddly successful pop singer would decide to take his own life.

The 24-carat award—which featured a dangerously sharp knife and could be heard ticking—was thrown at Bieber as he ascended the stairs to the stage to accept the award. Presenter Steven Tyler’s throw traveled less than three feet, though, and Bieber accepted his award to rousing applause and several gunshots from an audience long anticipating his death.

“Anyone who knows me knows that I’m just a modest guy whose overwhelming talent, charm and beauty make the world a crazy better place,” said Bieber, while being handed a loaded pistol by a Grammy stage model. “Accepting this award while y’all flash those appreciative throat-slashing gestures is the icing on this tasty cake that we all call ‘Biebs.’”

Along with the award, Bieber was also presented with a gift basket containing razor blades, incorrectly cooked meth, a coffee can filled with expired painkillers, and instructions for tying an unbreakable noose.

Stink Review: The Great Wall

What is it with white A-listers hijacking films about revered Japanese or Chinese warriors engaged in epic battles to save their way of life?

First, Tom Cruise (playing a drunk Army Captain who ruthlessly slaughters indigenous people in his spare time) decided it was his duty to hop a charter to Japan to learn the way of the samurai in four easy lessons, then lead the very samurai who trained him to defeat ninjas and gun-toting soldiers in The Last Samurai.

Next, Keanu Reeves saddled himself with the selfless responsibility of leading 47 disgraced ronin warriors against ghosts, witches and really shitty 3-D animation in 47 Ronin.

Now, with The Great Wall, Matt Damon has thrown his hat in the ring as a lily white dude with a fake beard and destined to lead tens of thousands of Chinese warriors in a battle against giant, man-eating salamanders (called Tao Tei) at the foot of, you guessed it, the Great Wall of China.

Continue reading

Gods and Turds: The Best and Worst of the Big Screen in 2016

2016-best-of

When the world gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When the world gives you brown bananas, you make banana bread. When the world gives you fermented lactose, you make yogurt. These are phrases you’ve most likely heard ad nauseam.

But what about when the world gives you a horrendous year of film? What then? Well, you make a list of the best and worst of them and share with a world that could care less that you even exist, let alone spend inordinate amounts of time sitting in a dark move theater like a creepy pale-skinned loser.

So, here it is. The annual Stink Whispers list of best* and worst films of the year (mixed in with the first-ever Whispy Awards).

Continue reading