How’s the Despair?: The Year of Film in Review

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“How’s the despair?” It’s a simple question asked by a village priest to Brendan Gleeson’s morose character in “Banshees of Inisherin.” Might as well be the slogan for 2022.

In the nearly three years since the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, much has changed. People have cast aside life-long friends due to their opinions on cloth masks, Donald Trump, or student loan forgiveness. The Ukraine has repeatedly repelled its crazy uncle to the east at the cost of countless lives. The cost of gas, eggs, and Hot Pockets remain as volatile as…well…the insides of a Hot Pocket. And Kanye West decided that life is more interesting when you profess your love for Hitler whilst wearing a gimp mask.

Yes, it’s been a long haul these past few years. But despite all of the gloom, doom, and pure lunacy of our recent history, at least Hollywood decided it was time to start bringing life back to your friendly neighborhood theater (even if in much smaller doses than most of us film dorks would prefer). That’s right, there was a glimmer of big-screen (and small-screen) hope in 2022. Blockbusters returned, stock prices for fake butter popcorn flavoring rose, and a few brave directors even decided that the craft of filmmaking doesn’t always have to take a back seat to comic-book franchise nonsense.

Perhaps best of all, after a long hibernation, Stink Whispers has returned with our list of the best and worst films of the year, as well as the reintroduction of the awards nobody ever asked for, the Whispy Awards.

With that, I leave you with a quote from the always brilliant Taylor Swift that has nothing to do with movies: “The lesson I’ve learned the most often in life is that you’re always going to know more in the future than you know now.”

That shit is deep.

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The Life of a Rabbit: A Decade in Film

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Ten years. One tenth of a century. The average life expectancy of a rabbit. Well, it’s all over. The decade is over. That rabbit is dead.

Yes, the 2010s are in the rear view mirror, and as such, every jackass who’s ever listened to music, watched TV, or paid way too much for movie theater popcorn must ponder one important question: Do I act like a healthy, balanced, otherwise dignified human being who spends his free time with friends and loved ones? Or do I hunker down in my house like a pit-stained hermit and create a “Best of” list that four, possibly five, people will partially read on the toilet?

Don’t answer that. It matters not. I’ve already done the work.
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Feel Good About Feeling Bad: The Year of Film in Review

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During my sophomore year of college, I attended a house party where I consumed a few too many beers and lost my senses. As a result, I ended up making out with a nice young lady whose eyes were so crossed that she could read a street sign directly behind her without the use of a mirror. What does this have to do with the past year in film you ask? Well, not much, I guess. It’s just that the image of those wonderfully crisscrossed eyes staring back at me between drunken kisses always seems to bring a smile to my face. And after another so-so year in film, maybe we all need a few more smiles in our lives.

All that to say, you can be forgiven if 2018 did little to inspire you to visit the theaters for $11 Twizzlers, seat neighbors who only shower on a monthly basis, and two hours of sub-par Hollywood self-indulgence. However, despite the downer tone here, there were some moments of note on the big screen this year. That’s where Stink Whispers comes to your rescue. We’ve got you covered with our fifth-annual list of the best and worst films of the year, as well as more of our self-critically acclaimed Whispy Awards.

And, no, folks. It’s not opinion. It’s pure, unadulterated fact.

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Nobody Puts 2017 In A Corner: The Year of Film in Review

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As a new year beckons us—like a bored toddler slapping a sleeping parent in the face at 6 a.m. to get them to rise from bed and retrieve a bag of fruit snacks—it is our duty as human beings to take a look back at the year trailing sadly behind us and ask ourselves “How did I spend the precious hours, days, weeks and months of my life this past year?”

For many, the answer to this powerful question may contain joyous moments spent with family and friends, the exploration of new cultures through travel abroad, or the advancement of a burgeoning career through hard work, innovative thinking, and achievement born from years of singular focus.  For others, the answer may revolve around drug-induced memories of morally suspect sex acts performed in the back alleys with out-of-state strangers met on Craigslist. Wherever you fall in that mix, we hope you were able to find a little time to take in a movie or two, complete with popcorn and a large ICEE. Yummee!

If big screen escapism was not in the cards for you and yours in 2017, though, no need to worry. Stink Whispers has you covered with our fourth-annual list of the best and worst films of the year (and the return of the Whispy Awards).

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Stink Survey: Gun Control and the Second Amendment

muzzle-1080231_960_720With the gun control debate in the U.S. raging at its highest pitch in years—if not ever—Stink Whispers wanted to ask average American gun owners for their takes on the old adage “You can have my gun when you pry it from my colddead fingers.”

Here’s what they had to say.

“You can have my gun when you pry it from…”

 

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“…the gun safe in my basement. Seriously, I forgot the combination. If you can figure out how to open the fucking thing, you can keep the guns. Just promise me you won’t steal my farm animal porn.”

—Bart Grasley, 3rd grade teacher, New Mexico

 

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“…the quick-release holster hanging off the side of my wheelchair. That’s where I’ve kept it since I accidentally shot myself in the spine last summer.”

—Tyrone Chilton, lobbyist, Alabama

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Alzheimer’s Patient Finishes Last in Memory Quilt Competition

Newhope, AR – Based largely on his project’s Quiltcomplete lack of anything resembling a discernible memory, local quilter and Alzheimer’s patient Ansel Fromire finished in dead last at the 15th annual Western Arkansas Memory Quilt Competition (WAMQC).

Fromire’s quilt—which featured a collection of empty, brightly colored patches—was widely praised for it’s solid construction and fine stitching, but fell far short of the twelve “personally memorable items” required to be integrated into the finished product.

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Series Of Letters From A First-Time Camper To His Mother

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SUNDAY, JUNE 7

Dear Mommy,

I know it’s only been four hours since you dropped me off at Camp Webehagen, but I just had to write you to let you know how happy I am that you made me come to camp this summer. It’s so pretty here and the lake is as big as the biggest ocean!

It turns out they don’t have a computer at camp. So, if we want to write home, we have to do it with real pencil and paper. How neat is that?!?

I haven’t met many of my bunk mates yet, but you wouldn’t believe how many boys my age are here (not like back home). Timmy Melcher, the boy whose bed is right next to mine, seems like the coolest of the boys in my cabin. I can already tell we’re going to be best friends.

The camp counselors seem really friendly and helpful. My bunk counselor, Dale, wasn’t at the welcome orientation this morning, but I’ve heard he’s the best one in the entire camp. I must be the luckiest kid here!

Thanks for being my mom! I love you all the way to the moon and back!

Hugs and kisses,

— Benny

P.S. – Be sure to play fetch with Ruffy every day. Oh, and write me back soon!

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New Cialis Commercial Confuses the Hell Out of Boners Everywhere

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Police, paramedics and hospitals nationwide were flooded with calls from men with confused penises on Wednesday, following the airing of the latest commercial from Cialis, a leading supplier of treatments for erectile dysfunction.

Aired nationally during Game 5 of the NBA’s Eastern Conference Finals, the commercial featured three middle-aged white couples experiencing random bouts of extreme horniness — one while playing couples tennis, another while rowing a boat and a third while staining an antique bench in a driveway.

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Keith Urban Denies Rumors That He’s Shrinking From The Comfort Of Nicole Kidman’s Handbag

urban-kidmanNashville, TN – Beseiged by rumors that he is shrinking at an uncontrollable rate, country music star Keith Urban denied the claims Thursday while resting comfortably in wife Nicole Kidman’s custom-made Louis Vuitton handbag.

“Despite what you’ve heard, I am not now, nor have I ever been, shrinking ever closer to the size of an action figure,” said Urban while resting his tiny head on a powder puff he found in Kidman’s makeup compact. “I intend to vigorously fight these vicious rumors immediately after Nicole lifts me up to get a drink at that water fountain over there.”

Known for his guitar-infused pop country songs, Urban skyrocketed to the top of the country music charts in 2002 with the hit single “Somebody Like You.” Not long after the New Zealand native received Male Vocalist of the Year at the 2004 CMA Awards, however, rumors began circulating that his already diminutive frame was shrinking at a rate of 1-2 inches per year. At the time of his marriage to actress Nicole Kidman in 2006, Urban was reportedly wearing a boys size 6 tuxedo.

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9.5 Reasons Not To Send Your Child To A Daycare Center Run By Kid Rock

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1. No matter what your child is wearing when you drop him off, he’ll be wearing a wife beater when you pick him up.

2. Story time is almost exclusively filled with fairy tales involving hookers and blow.

3. Parent-teacher conferences result in gunfire more often than they don’t involve gunfire.

4. Studies show that no child has ever successfully fallen asleep to “American Bad Ass” during nap time.

5. Chlamydia is one of the morning snack options.

6. When Kid Rock is on tour, the center is run by Buckcherry’s lead singer.

7. The early reading curriculum was replaced with rap rock lessons in 2007.

8. The center’s website highlights “three straight years of decreased stabbings.”

9. Teacher uniforms show 84% more nipple than traditional Montessori centers.

9.5. His late pick-up fees are ridiculous.