9.5 Reasons Not To Send Your Child To A Daycare Center Run By Kid Rock

Kid Rock.jpg

1. No matter what your child is wearing when you drop him off, he’ll be wearing a wife beater when you pick him up.

2. Story time is almost exclusively filled with fairy tales involving hookers and blow.

3. Parent-teacher conferences result in gunfire more often than they don’t involve gunfire.

4. Studies show that no child has ever successfully fallen asleep to “American Bad Ass” during nap time.

5. Chlamydia is one of the morning snack options.

6. When Kid Rock is on tour, the center is run by Buckcherry’s lead singer.

7. The early reading curriculum was replaced with rap rock lessons in 2007.

8. The center’s website highlights “three straight years of decreased stabbings.”

9. Teacher uniforms show 84% more nipple than traditional Montessori centers.

9.5. His late pick-up fees are ridiculous.

9.5 Reasons Why Steven Tyler Should Never Be Allowed To Serve On The U.S. Supreme Court

1. His stance regarding dudes that look like ladies will never gain mainstream judicial support.

2. During his short-lived stint on the New York State Supreme Court, the rest of the justices mysteriously contracted Hepatitis C.

3. Following each of Tyler’s courtroom statements with a Joe Perry guitar solo will further slow down an already lengthy hearing process. 

4. Every time he bangs his gavel, the huge pile of cocaine on his desk explodes into the air.

5. Ruth Bader Ginsburg lost her virginity to “Love in an Elevator”—in an actual elevator—and doesn’t like to talk about it. 

6. Sooner or later, all of the justices’ mic stands would be covered with colorful scarves.

7. The fact that 92% of Americans wish that Tyler’s mother would have aborted him in 1948 lends more fuel to the already-contentious Roe v. Wade debate.

8. While neither the GOP or DFL would endorse him, Buckcherry and Nickelback would.

9. Tyler believes the guy who played Ted in “How I Met Your Mother” is the greatest comedic mind of this, or any, generation.

9.5. The majority of justices believe that bad scat singing is the opposite of free speech.

9.5 Reasons Nick Nolte Should Not Be Allowed to Represent the U.S. as a Figure Skater at the Sochi Olympics

1. Coughing up blood while on the ice is an automatic ½ point deduction (per instance).

2. He still calls “48 Hours” co-star Eddie Murphy twice a week to call him the N-word.

3. Multiple doubles skating partners have quit due to Nolte’s continued refusal to cut his fingernails.

4. The march at the opening ceremony is a quarter-mile longer than Nolte has walked in the last ten years combined.

5. His insistence on performing in a Orange Crush t-shirt and long-underwear bottoms.

6. Wandering around the Olympic Village offering blowjobs for cocaine violates Russia’s new anti-gay propaganda laws.

7. His skates are actually an old pair of steel-toed boots with the word “figure skaytes” written in Sharpie.

8. His petition to have Nelson Mandela buried in a prison graveyard have not been well-received by the international community.

9. He experiences violent seizures when reminded of his sex scenes with Barbara Streisand in “Prince of Tides.”

9.5. Each of the moves in his routine includes a brief sneak peek of his wiener.

9.5 Reasons Not to Enter Into a “Friends With Benefits” Relationship With Betty White


1. While she looks like a sweet older woman, White regularly beats stray dogs to death with a rock-filled sock.
2. She won’t allow you to climax until you name the opening day starting line-up of every New York Yankees team since she was born.
3. She poops in her sleep more often than she doesn’t.

4. Bea Arthur’s ghost resides in White’s vagina.

5. Her “late-night” booty calls usually take place at around 7:45 p.m.

6. After sex, White will most likely try to convince you that 9/11 was perpetrated by the White House. Not the President of the United States, but the actual building.

7. She already has “Friends with Benefits” arrangements with James Spader, Christopher Walken and Flo from the Progressive commercials.

8. When you eventually fall in love with and propose to White—and trust me, you will—she will answer by playing the laugh-track from the “Mary Tyler Moore Show.”

9. She hasn’t used protection since jazz was invented.

9.5. She occasionally breaks the “no cuddling” rule.  

9.5 Reasons To Avoid Hiring C.C. Deville to Babysit

1. While C.C. readily admits that second-hand smoke can be extremely harmful to children, he believes first-hand smoke actually stimulates their growth.

2. Due to his addiction to Storage Wars reruns, C.C. is unavailable six nights a week from 6 – 11 p.m.

3. Poison recently announced their biggest reunion tour in over a decade, and you don’t want your children anywhere near that many riverboat casinos and county fairs.

4. Approximately 40% of all drug deals end in violence, and 100% of C.C. Deville’s babysitting jobs end with a drug deal.

5. Rumor has it that the lyrics to “Talk Dirty to Me” tell the story of the first—and only—time C.C. was allowed to babysit his nephew.

6. C.C. hates white people.

7. In 1991, Hit Parader reported that C.C. used children’s tears to give his hair the frizz and body that traditional hairspray could not.

8. C.C. requires children under his watch to speak in Navajo when asking for Go-Gurt.

9. Why hire one aging rock star for $5.75 an hour when the entire line-up of Dokken will work for half the price?

9.5. C.C. Deville’s real name is Bruce Johannesson. Find me a single person who has fond childhood recollections of a babysitter named Bruce. That’s what I thought.

9.5 Reasons Why the Music Video for “Forever” by Jesse and the Rippers Didn’t Propel the Band to Stardom

1. True rock enthusiasts would never decide to arrange their bedroom furniture in an open courtyard (0:01), when there’s a perfectly good covered structure a few feet away.

2. Flaunting the band’s abundance of precious jewels by haphazardly storing them on top of a drum kit (0:04) comes off as braggadocio.

3. If you’re going to feature infants in your video, you should probably avoid babies that look deathly frightened (0:28). We’re talking “stranger danger” frightened.

4. Not even Men Without Hats would put a bunch of feet rubbing together in their videos (0:41). And they had zero shame (see “Safety Dance”)

5. Not to harp on the baby thing, but why would any respectable video director have Jesse holding the naked babies while also being undressed (0:46). Not cool.

6. Look at the size of the knee rips in Jesse’s jeans (0:51). Enough said.

7. Yeah, Stamos. We get it. You and the Beach Boys are tight (0:58). So tight that they agreed to appear in a music video for a fictional band.

8. It’s common knowledge that you never show clips of the black bongo player posing like a jackass, followed by a dance step that would get his anus blown off in South Central LA (1:99).

Ending the video with more footage of the terrified babies, followed by Jesse blowing out a candle means one thing: intensive therapy for the rest of those babies’ lives (3:00-3:10). 

9.5. The truth is, there is no legitimate reason for the video’s failure, other than to assume that illegal immigrants are somehow to blame.

9.5 Reasons Not To Date The Green Lantern

Anyone who names himself after an outdated form of lighting may not have as bright a future in the superhero world as you think.

2. He was married to Scarlett Johansson and her Bacterial Vaginosis for over two years.

3. Promising you he’ll use his ring to create a condom an instant before he orgasms is complete bullshit.

4. His urinal tract infection makes a romantic dinner at your favorite restaraunt an absolute nightmare.

Continue reading

9.5 Reasons Muammar Gaddafi Should Not Be Allowed to Open a Baskin-Robbins Franchise in the U.S.

1. Every time Gaddafi smiles at a customer, an angel loses its wings
2. Gaddafi’s “Buy One, Get Ritually Branded with a Coat Hanger” promotion unlikely to bring in many customers

3. Serving ice cream in the hollowed-out skulls of infidels would never pass OSHA guidelines

4. His assassination attempts on Barry Adler, manager of the rival Cold Stone Creamery, would most likely draw U.N. sanctions

5. Gaddafi’s insistence on having Butter Brickle take up 30 of Baskin-Robbins’ “31 Flavors” would devastate profits

6. The Olsen twins’ restraining order against him will prohibit him from opening a franchise in LA and New York, his preferred locations

7. As part of his religion, Gaddafi refuses to honor coupons

8. Calling in air strikes on customers who don’t contribute to the “tip jar” is against corporate policy

9. Gaddafi’s policy of never missing an episode of “One Tree Hill” would cut into prime retail hours

9.5. His Sunglass Hut counter at the Tripoli Mall is about to go out of business

9.5 Reasons The Green Bay Packers Will Never Be America’s Team

1. Seven out of ten paraplegics living in the U.S. today list former Packer safety Chuck Cecil as the reason they are paralyzed.

2. While no concrete evidence of Bart Starr’s involvement in the bombing of Pearl Harbor exists, we all know better.

3. A hot tub + teenage girls + Mark Chmura = rape soup.

4. Aaron Rodgers insists the lyrics he gave Christina Aguilera for the national anthem on Sunday are correct.

5. Any team that will callously turn its back on Brett Favre – a man who epitomizes loyalty, decisiveness, and etiquette in texting – cannot be trusted.

6. It is highly unlikely that our founding fathers would view Najeh Davenport taking a dump in a college student’s clothes hamper as patriotic.

7. Americans do not approve of former Packer safety Mossy Cade sexually assaulting his aunt. (They do, however, approve of his nickname “The Aunteater.”)

8. While he agrees that there is no “I” in team, Packer linebacker Clay Matthews Jr. is adamant that there is an “L” and two “Qs.”

9. Until the Packers snort more coke than Michael Irvin, fill a van with more weed than Nate Newton, or expose themselves to more female reporters than Charles Haley, they will never wrestle the title of “America’s Team” away from the Dallas Cowboys.

9.5. While 92% of Packer fans believe in God, he believes in less than 6% of them.

9.5 Reasons Not To Let John Goodman Date Your Mom

King Ralph royalties will barely cover the cable bill

2. Will spend your inheritance on Jack Daniels and Pillsbury Toaster Strudel

3. His audition tape for lead role in Black Swan contains inordinate amount of cursing

4. Insists on only buying jewelry that contains conflict diamonds

5. Has yet to apologize for what he did to those nerds at Adams College

6. Favorite breakfast food is Thanksgiving dinner

7. Reportedly believes in creationist evolution

8. The actor who played DJ on Roseanne still lives with him

9. It’s difficult to fall asleep to Blues Brothers lullabies and shitty harmonica playing

9.5. He prefers to be on top