Newhope, AR – Based largely on his project’s complete lack of anything resembling a discernible memory, local quilter and Alzheimer’s patient Ansel Fromire finished in dead last at the 15th annual Western Arkansas Memory Quilt Competition (WAMQC).

Fromire’s quilt—which featured a collection of empty, brightly colored patches—was widely praised for it’s solid construction and fine stitching, but fell far short of the twelve “personally memorable items” required to be integrated into the finished product.

McKaskill resident Susan Pullman won the competition for the second time in three years with a quilt containing pieces of her son’s favorite t-shirts, embroidered lyrics from his favorite songs, and photos from his high school football career.

“It’s really a shame that Mr. Fromire couldn’t conjure up even one memory from his past for inclusion on his quilt,” said Pullman. “His stitching is impeccable, and his choice of complimentary fabrics is nearly unrivaled. If his memory wasn’t complete and utter shit, he’d probably win this competition every year.”

Fromire’s quilt almost didn’t even make it to the judging area at all, as it was found wrapped around the confused, mostly nude quilter’s shoulders as he wandered through the Pike County Fairgrounds asking if anybody knew his name.

“At first, I had no idea that he was in the competition,” said quilting enthusiast Geraldine Swanson. “After all, he was wandering in circles and screaming that he was late for his grammar school graduation. Once I figured out he was an entrant, I hurried him up to the judges, pulled the quilt off his pale, shivering body and handed it off to the judges just in the nick of time. I sure was glad that I could be there for him in his time of need.”

Despite not placing in the competition for the eight straight year, Fromire seemed in fair spirits following the award ceremony.

“I didn’t win what?” said Fromire, scratching his head in confusion three hours after the last car had left the parking lot. “What’s a quilt? Can someone please help me find my car?”