Okemah, OK — A group of heavily armed Somali pirates were killed on Saturday afternoon, following a failed attempt to hijack the famous Flex Seal “screen door” boat on Okemah Lake. The deceased pirates, none of whom were apparently able to even tread water, are believed to be the same group that had taken part in a number of bloody oil tanker hijackings off the horn of Africa in recent months.
Captained by Flex Seal spokesman Phil Swift, the screen door boat was on a standard test run on Saturday when it was approached by a large speed boat carrying 13 Somalian males armed with AK-47s and machetes. After a nearly three-hour chase, during which Swift expertly evaded the Somalians with a series of shifty paddling maneuvers, the Somalian vessel eventually snagged the craft with grappling hooks.
According to eyewitness reports, the first group of three pirates set foot on the Flex Seal boat’s bow shortly after 4 p.m., only to be easily disarmed and beaten to death by an oar-wielding Swift.
“I had just taught my four-year-old to swim my pushing her off the front of our pontoon when I saw some skinny foreign dudes trying to get on that guy’s fishing boat,” said Okemah resident Barrett Milner. “My wife said we should go help the guy, but after he started fucking their shit up, we just cracked a couple of Rolling Rocks and kicked back in our chairs.”
What happened next has become a point of contention between authorities and Flex Seal executives. Police reports indicate that after repelling the first wave of the attack, Swift could be heard yelling, “For a limited time, you mother-fuckers can get a second ass whooping for no extra charge! Just pay shipping and handling!” Following Swift’s oddly promotional taunts, the remaining nine pirates reportedly attempted to all board the 12-foot craft simultaneously, only to have the screen door hull of the boat disintegrate under their weight, drowning the poorly swim-trained pirates.
Flex Seal executives steadfastly refute this version of events.
“While we appreciate the diligent work put forth by Okfuskee County’s dedicated police investigators, their account of the final moments of the confrontation defy reason and, quite frankly, basic physics,” said Andrew Peppin, CEO/inventor of Flex Seal. “Anyone who has seen Phil drop that boat into ankle-deep water for just under three seconds on our infomercial knows that nothing short of an act of God could cause that thing to leak. We couldn’t fake that kind of rock-solid proof, even if we wanted to.”
Attempts to interview Swift have been unsuccessful, as he has been held in a closed-door debriefing at the Flex Seal headquarters in Peppin’s basement ever since the failed hijacking.
Initial reports out of Africa had leaders from Al Shabaab, a Somalian terrorist organization, claiming responsibility for the attempted hijacking. Upon learning further details of the targeted boat and potential hostage, however, the fringe group told the New York Times it was “just pullin’ everyone’s chain.'”
Terrorism experts from across the U.S. remain baffled as to the motive behind such a high-risk, low-reward attack so far from home.
“Why Somali Pirates would venture to a small lake in Oklahoma to hijack a fishing boat held together by a screen door and glorified spray paint is a complete mystery,” said contemporary piracy expert Merle Etsler, author of Yo Ho Huh? Piracy in the Modern World. “I mean, if spraying liquid rubber on an object suddenly made it super valuable, don’t you think I’d be spraying the stuff on the homemade pottery my wife’s been trying to sell on eBay for the past two years?”