9.5 Reasons Why the Music Video for “Forever” by Jesse and the Rippers Didn’t Propel the Band to Stardom

1. True rock enthusiasts would never decide to arrange their bedroom furniture in an open courtyard (0:01), when there’s a perfectly good covered structure a few feet away.

2. Flaunting the band’s abundance of precious jewels by haphazardly storing them on top of a drum kit (0:04) comes off as braggadocio.

3. If you’re going to feature infants in your video, you should probably avoid babies that look deathly frightened (0:28). We’re talking “stranger danger” frightened.

4. Not even Men Without Hats would put a bunch of feet rubbing together in their videos (0:41). And they had zero shame (see “Safety Dance”)

5. Not to harp on the baby thing, but why would any respectable video director have Jesse holding the naked babies while also being undressed (0:46). Not cool.

6. Look at the size of the knee rips in Jesse’s jeans (0:51). Enough said.

7. Yeah, Stamos. We get it. You and the Beach Boys are tight (0:58). So tight that they agreed to appear in a music video for a fictional band.

8. It’s common knowledge that you never show clips of the black bongo player posing like a jackass, followed by a dance step that would get his anus blown off in South Central LA (1:99).

Ending the video with more footage of the terrified babies, followed by Jesse blowing out a candle means one thing: intensive therapy for the rest of those babies’ lives (3:00-3:10). 

9.5. The truth is, there is no legitimate reason for the video’s failure, other than to assume that illegal immigrants are somehow to blame.

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