Vatican Denounces Same-Sex Dairy Queen Purchases


Partners Steven Balter and Rodrigo Estaban enjoy DQ’s newly taboo dipped cones.

Vatican City — The Roman Catholic Church continued its campaign against homosexuality on Firday, releasing an official denouncement of all same-sex Dairy Queen purchases, to take effect immediately.

According to the Vatican, homosexuals not paying separately for their delicious DQ frozen treats will be in direct contradiction with the millenia-old wishes of the Lord, their God.

Friday’s announcement marks the 4,137th recorded homosexual-related condemnation in the Vatican’s storied history, following its well-publicized opposition to gay marriage and its lesser-known attacks on same-sex tandem biking and same-sex viewing of ITT Tech commercials on DirecTv. While the church has yet to rescind any previous denouncements, it has softened its stance regarding same-sex couples who engage in gay-bashing activities.

When asked if the newly announced edict refers only to blended treats, or also includes sundaes, slushies, and waffle cones, church officials stated that the form and price of the jointly purchased frozen treats is not as important as the “gayness” of the couple purchasing said treats.

“At the behest of our beloved father, Pope Benedict XVI, the Roman Catholic Church, from this day forward, recognizes all Dairy Queen purchases made jointly by partners of the same sex to be unclean,” said Cardinal Peter Brian Wells, the Vatican’s Secretary of State. “No matter the ‘cool treat’ — be it a DQ Sandwich or a Cotton Candy Blizzard — the Holy Church cannot abide same-sex couples using impurely combined finances to buy these chilled delicacies.”

Reaction from the gay community was — much like a Peanut Buster Parfait — predictably cold. Activists from a number of LGBT organizations released statements blasting the Vatican’s most recent attack on homosexuals as centuries-old doctrine in need of a revision.

“It never ceases to amaze me that religious leaders in 2012 still cling so strongly to the notion that homosexuals have a choice when it comes to their sexuality or their selection of yummy DQ frozen treats,” said Barry Pepplemore, president of Gay Today. “I can no more predict the flavor of blizzard I’d like to consume than I can predict whether I’m attracted to men or women. It’s never been a choice. I was born this way.”

Nearly 300 gay advocates mounted a demonstration outside St. Anthony’s Church in Chicago’s south side on Thursday in protest of the Vatican’s announcement. Protesters were armed with Dilly Bar-shaped signs and could be heard chanting “Hey, Buster! We want our bars!” and “It’s Dairy Queen. Not Dairy Pope!”

Responding to requests for the specific scriptural references regarding same-sex DQ purchases, Church officials provided photo-copied verses pulled from the Super Old Testament, a long-lost section of the Bible that reportedly deals specifically with the varied reasons that homosexuals, bisexuals, transgenders, and dairy famers are bound for an eternity in Hell.

“It says very clearly in Lance 4:13 that ‘He who partakes in frozen snacks alongside another man, shall be thrust upon the spires of Satan, should consumables be purchased jointly in lust,” said Vatican historian Vincent Pallegrio. “We can also see the Lord’s disdain for transgender purchases in Billy 8:16 where it says ‘Behavior like using your U.S. Bank debit card to buy a Dairy Queen cake for a woman with a wiener should, with all conscious thought, be avoided like the plague —which is coming your way in a few months, by the way.'”

When asked for a comment, Valerie Mischner, CEO of Dairy Queen, responded to Friday’s announcement from the company’s headquarters in Edina, MN.

“No matter how heavenly our Oreo Brownie Earthquake may be, Dairy Queen is not now, nor has it ever been, associated with any spiritual or religious entities,” said Mischner. “In an effort to show our support of gays and lesbos everywhere, we are proud to announce the release of the new Double Fudge Banana Split, as well as the Blizzard in a Box. These new items are so politically correct, it’s riDQulous!”

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