ISIS Calls for Valentine’s Day Cease Fire So Jihadists Can See “Fifty Shades of Grey”

9d28d-5-concessions1_500

Jihadists grab popcorn before the 8 p.m. showing of Grey.

In an unprecedented move that sent shockwaves throughout the Middle East, senior leaders from the radical Islamic terrorist organization ISIS initiated a one-day cease fire on Valentine’s Day, so that its jihadists could attend screenings of the film adaptation of E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey.

A staple on the ISIS required reading list—along with the Quran and 7 Habits of Highly Effective PeopleFifty Shades of Grey is distributed to all new recruits at training camps across the Middle East, with individual combat training only taking place after an intense series of book-related quizzes are completed and passed.

“I’ve never read a book so quickly, not even Eat, Pray, Love or The Fault in Our Stars” said ISIS fighter Abu Haj al-Baghri. “Aside from pausing once to record a video of me dry humping an American flag, I pretty much read the entire book in one sitting. It’s hard to explain, but the thing just grabbed a hold of my soul and refused to let go.”

All previous attempts to arrange cease-fire agreements with ISIS have failed due to the militant group’s blatant disregard of international law and commonly held rules of engagement. Saturday’s cease fire was the first ever proposed by the terrorist organization and was viewed with skepticism by the international community.

“Yesterday’s de-escalation should not be viewed as any sort softening or weakening on the part of ISIS,” said U.S. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. “It is simply an indication that not even the desire to unleash unthinkable violence upon innocents can compete with the erotic practices of Christian Grey. We have little doubt that the terror group’s barbaric, inhumane actions will resume the moment they get over their popcorn and slushy hangovers.”

Response to the blockbuster film adaptation by ISIS moviegoers was largely positive, although many found themselves repeatedly frustrated by the complex relationship dynamics of the story’s lead characters.

“It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but I just can’t believe Ana put up with Christian’s behavior for as long as she did,” said ISIS lieutenant Haji Brakik. “I mean, sure, he’s intelligent, rich and has an ass that could stop traffic, but the way he treats that poor girl? Listen, I hate the fact that women even exist, but even I found myself shaking my head in disgust.”

Witnesses stated that most of the ISIS moviegoers were relatively well behaved during the screenings, with only a few members screaming war cries during a scene that had a blurry American flag in the background. Additionally, two jihadists were asked to leave a Mosul theater when they refused to stop making fart noises with their mouths during sex scenes.

“Those who believe this cease-fire to be anything other than an opportunity for me and my buddies to witness a timeless story about love in its many mysterious forms would be greatly mistaken,” the anonymous source said. “Nothing short of free passes for all of ISIS to ‘Pitch Perfect 2’ will keep us from bringing the defilers and nonbelievers of the world to their knees. Death to the West!”Reports vary widely as to the impact the Valentine’s Day screenings will have on future combat initiatives by the terror group, but an unnamed source from within ISIS leadership told Al Jazeera that operations will resume as planned immediately following the post-movie review sessions.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s