Batman and Bane Meet At Denny’s To Discuss The Illegal Immigration Issue

SCENE: GOTHAM DENNY’S – MORNING

Batman enters the restaurant, spots Bane sitting alone in a two-person booth, and walks over to join him.

BATMAN (sitting down): Hey. You been waiting long?

BANE (touching his ear): What’s that?

BATMAN: I asked if you’ve been waiting long?

BANE: Sorry. Didn’t get a word.

BATMAN: Huh?

BANE (louder): I said I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

BATMAN: What does she have to do with it?

BANE: Who?

BATMAN: Can you turn down the reverb on that mask or something?

BANE: Come again.

BATMAN: I said you sound like Sean Connery fucking an AutoTune machine.

BANE: This is crazy. Why are you whispering?

BATMAN: I don’t even know how to whistle.

BANE: No, I said “whispering,” not “whistling.”

BATMAN: Maybe later.

A waitress approaches the two men, pulls out a pencil and order pad and smiles.

WAITRESS: Hey, darlin’. What can I get ya?

BATMAN (smiling): I’ll take a cup of decaf.

WAITRESS: Nice of you to say. Just got it cut on Tuesday.

BATMAN: No, coffee. Decaf coffee.

WAITRESS: I’m sorry to hear that, hon. Losing a pet is always hard.

BATMAN (frustrated): You know what? Just bring me an orange juice and some wheat toast.

WAITRESS: Fair enough. I’ll give you a few more minutes to think about it.

Waitress puts away her pad and walks away.

BANE: That’s just embarrassing.

BATMAN: No, but I heard it might rain.

BANE: Be honest. Are you retarded?

BATMAN: Preaching to the choir, my friend.

BANE: A Denver omelet and a fruit cup.

BATMAN: Does that mask only get AM, cause all I’m hearing is static.

BANE: I’m begging you. Speak up!

BATMAN: Beginning to speed up what?

BANE: I never thought I’d miss that underground prison so much.

BATMAN: Thanks for asking. It’s fast, but the thing just guzzles the gas. I’m getting killed at the pumps.

BANE: Who?

BATMAN: Very true.

BANE: Ahhhhh!

The two men stare at one another in awkward silence.

BANE: How about this? If you take off your mask and speak like an adult, I’ll do the same.

BATMAN: I’ve never been a fan of his music, but to each his own.

BANE: Not sure what that has to do with anything, but not since 1984.

BATMAN: What?

BANE (putting his head in hands): My head hurts.

BATMAN (pointing to his mask): How about we take off our masks?

BANE: Great idea. Wish I’d thought of it.

Batman and Bane carefully remove their masks, place them on the table and clear their throats.

BANE: So, what do you think about all the illegal immigrants.

BATMAN: Can’t stand ’em.

BANE: Me neither.

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