Finding a job in the present-day economy is a challenge, to say the least. With companies slashing budgets, consolidating duties and moving positions out of the country, each new opening brings with it increased pressures for job candidates.
For canines, the pressures of interviewing can be substantially higher. Shorter life spans, chronic bad breath and a proclivity for most breeds to shed on office furniture puts many dogs at a distinct disadvantage when facing off against humans for a paycheck.
So, what’s a dog to do when interviewing for that perfect job?
POOP BEFORE YOU LEAVE HOME. In a 2011 survey of hiring managers from Fortune 500 companies, just under 70% listed “pooping on my office furniture or carpet” as their biggest complaint regarding applicants. Conversely, only 9% listed it as the thing they look for most in an applicant. While every job interview is a bit of a gamble, those are odds you don’t want to mess with.
KEEP YOUR INTERVIEW ANSWERS CONCISE AND ON-TOPIC. One of the most common interview mistakes is turning what should be a one-minute answer into a ten-minute off-topic ramble. If an interviewer asks about your experience working with a specific graphic design program, describing in mind-numbing detail the time you caught a Frisbee in mid-air and returned it to your owner will only confuse and frustrate him.
REFRAIN FROM LICKING YOUR GENITALS DURING THE INTERVIEW. Whether you’re interviewing for a job on the factory floor or in the executive suite, going to town on your privates during an interview is rarely acceptable in today’s competitive job market. If the urge to snack on your junk becomes uncontrollable, politely excuse yourself and conduct your crotch taste-test in a restroom or the stairwell. When in doubt, don’t eat out.
SHAKE YOUR INTERVIEWER’S HAND, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT HE OFFERS YOU A TREAT. Sure, when you’re at home, being asked to shake a human’s hand is usually accompanied by a Milk-Bone dog treat. Well, my furry friend, you are not at home. You’re in a job interview, and in job interviews applicants are expected to display proper manners without the promise of a reward. With that said, if a hiring manager asks you to “play dead,” you should feel well within your rights to politely ask him or her to eat a steaming pile of your shit.
IF YOU’RE A PIT BULL OR ROTTWEILER, AVOID KILLING YOUR INTERVIEWER’S CHILDREN BEFORE, DURING OR AFTER YOUR INTERVIEW. Nothing sets off a hiring manager’s warning bell faster than a job applicant who kills one or more of his children by viciously clamping onto the youngster’s face or neck and refusing to let go. If you have an uncontrollable thirst for blood, do your best to focus your need to kill on the drifter and senior citizen populations. As they have most likely been shamelessly abandoned by loved ones, their death is less likely to come back to haunt you during an interview.
EAT AS FEW OF YOUR INTERVIEWER’S SHOES AS POSSIBLE. Shoes taste amazing. There’s no denying this fact. Unfortunately, few hiring managers will be impressed by your ability to consume one or both of their shoes during an interview. Doing so will leave your potential future boss without a means of protecting his or her feet from broken glass, carelessly discarded thumb-tacks and those pesky used Insulin needles that diabetic employees occasionally misplace.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOUR ANUS ITCHES, NEVER DRAG IT ON YOUR INTERVIEWER’S OFFICE CARPET. Believe it or not, this is even less popular than pooping on their carpet.