Bender, Clark, Reynolds, Standish and Johnson in 1984.

In 1984, five unique, yet similar, students gathered at the Shermer High School library on a cold Saturday morning in March to serve detention for their various crimes. Eight hours, one awkward dance scene and several emotional ephiphonies later, each would exit their adolescent prisons with a new outlook on life. They were the Breakfast Club.

For the world outside of that library, the story of these intrepid teenagers ended moments after their sentence was served. For the members of the Breakfast Club, the story was just beginning.

The following are brief snapshots of the lives that emerged from Shermer High School on the fateful day.

Brian Johnson (The Brain): The only member of the Breakfast Club to not get any action during detention, a disgruntled Johnson decided to bring a gun to school again the following week. Unfortunately, the straight-A student still hadn’t learned the difference between a real gun and a flare gun and once again burned the entire contents of his locker. Johnson was sentenced to Saturday detention once again, where an entirely new set of students left him out of the make-out fun and made him cry like a whiny little bitch. Single and living in Cedar Rapids, IA, Johnson’s career as a civil engineer continues to be slowed by his inability to pass shop class, a task he has failed 32 times.

Allison Reynolds (The Basket Case): Unable to overcome her severe ADHD, Allison dropped out of high school two weeks before graduation. Moving to Los Angeles and living on the streets, she became addicted to a volatile, homemade narcotic comprised of twice-cut heroin, rat poison and Pixy Sticks sugar. On March 24, 1994—the ten-year anniversary of the group’s infamous detention—Allison was arrested while propositioning a police officer she confused with an uncle she had once dated. She was later acquitted after it was revealed that the arresting officer was actually a different uncle she had once dated. Clean and sober since 2008, Reynolds manages a Taco Bell in Grand Rapids, MI and still has nothing better to do on her Saturdays than serve detention.

Andrew “Andy” Clark (The Athlete): On the Monday following his eye-opening detention sentence, Andy Clark extended a heartfelt apology to Larry Lester, the boy he ritualistically tortured by applying duct tape to his hair-covered ass and ripping it off. Larry, having become a fan of his now smooth posterior, agreed to forgive Andy on the condition that the all-conference wrestler help him remove the rest of the hair from his nether-regions in a similarly painful fashion on a monthly basis. Not wanting to appear like a quitter in his father’s eyes, Andy helped Lester keep his twig, berries and coal chute hair-free for the next twelve years. The two publicly declared their love for one another during a civil union ceremony in 2004. They split up in 2008 when Larry discovered Andy giving a provocative Brazilian wax to Philip “Duckie” Dale.

John Bender (The Criminal): Shortly after picking up his daughter from detention, Claire Standish’s father noticed that she was missing one of her diamond earrings. Unwilling to listen to his daughter’s pleas, Mr. Standish caught up with Bender on the football field just as the juvenile delinquent was raising his arm and shot him twice in the chest with a snub-nose Smith & Wesson 642. John Bender died en route to the hospital. Richard Vernon taunted the corpse with bull-horn hand gestures at the wake.

Claire Standish (The Princes): Following the murder of her two-hour boyfriend, John Bender, Claire Standish mourned for nearly two days before falling head-over-heels in love with a drug dealer at her school by the name of Derek Meeks. After dating the violent Meeks for three entire days, Standish informed him that their love had “run its course,” and began dating Kurt “The Blade” Butler, a junior member of the Chicago chapter of the Hell’s Angels. Standish attended her senior prom with Butler 36 hours later, breaking up with him during the spotlight dance so she could go to the Cook County Correctional Center to visit a convicted murderer she had been writing since the previous day. During the visit with her new beau an hour later, the sensitive redhead suggested they date other people and began flirting with the prisoner two visitation cubicles to her right. She is currently single and living with her venereal diseases in Evanston, IL.

Carl Reed (The Janitor): While not a member of the Breakfast Club, Reed continues to tell their story to current students while removing pubic hair from the urinals in the boy’s restroom.