Des Moines Awarded 2030 Winter Olympics On The Condition They Move All Buildings and Residents To A Better City

Des Moines, IA — Local residents took to the streets of Des Moines on Tuesday to celebrate an announcement designating the central Iowa city as the host of the 2030 Winter Olympics, with the stipulation that the entire city be packed and moved to Chicago, Boston or any other American city that people from around the world would actually want to visit.

Following months of speculation, officials from the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced the surprising decision at a press conference at Des Moines City Hall, marking the first time many international journalists had ever written about, visited or even heard of Iowa.

“It is with great pleasure that the IOC awards the city of Des Moines, IA with the 2030 Winter Olympic Games,” said Jacques Rogge, IOC president. “We have no doubt that once the city is packed and moved to a classier, more appealing destination, it will prove to be one of the best host cities in the history of these proud games.”

As part of the agreement, Des Moines city officials will be required to have all buildings and residents physically packed onto trucks and relocated to a halfway respectable city by no later than 2028. The city’s new destination must be located outside of Iowa’s borders, have access to dial-up internet or better and have a restaurant not named Applebee’s as its most desirable dining establishment.

Standing beside IOC officials at Tuesday’s press conference, Des Moines mayor Frank Cownie proudly brandished a t-shirt with “Des Moines 2030” written crookedly on the front in blue Sharpie.

“The city of Des Moines is absolutely overjoyed to be hosting the Olympic games at a location yet to be determined,” said a visibly shaking Cownie. “Being forced to move our city to another location represents the perfect opportunity to reinvent ourselves as a metropolitan center with an actual skyline, a trendier social scene and actual people of color, all while keeping the best part of who we are—our name!”

While the 2030 Olympics will be the first games to ever be hosted in a city not actually located within its actual city limits, Des Moines boosters have been drawing up relocation plans for just such an occurrence for over two decades. Since 1984, city officials have contemplated moving the Iowa State Fair to another state, only to have neighboring states refuse admittance.

“I believe in my heart of hearts that Des Moines is the greatest city in this amazing nation of ours,” said Cownie. “We have a thriving economy, the strongest schools in the Midwest and some of the kindest souls you will ever encounter. That said, I cannot think of a worse place to watch the world’s best athletes compete.”

Despite stipulating the unprecedented forced move, the IOC has declined to financially subsidize the city’s relocation efforts. They have, however, agreed to supply Des Moines officials with nearly three dozen flattened cardboard boxes they picked up behind a local grocery store. The remainder of the relocation costs—nearly $3.2 trillion—will reportedly be covered by a 4% tax increase on all Walmart purchases in the city.

Local residents could hardly contain their excitement following Tuesday’s announcement. Des Moines police were forced to close down several city streets over lunch as nearly two dozen revelers marched in celebration.

“I can’t even put into words how proud I am to be a Des Moiner today,” said local CPA, Bill Wendell. “To be able to give the Olympics a true Iowa treatment in a location that is not so gross and depressing is a dream come true. Get ready world. Here comes Des Moines!”

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