1. No matter what your child is wearing when you drop him off, he’ll be wearing a wife beater when you pick him up.

2. Story time is almost exclusively filled with fairy tales involving hookers and blow.

3. Parent-teacher conferences result in gunfire more often than they don’t involve gunfire.

4. Studies show that no child has ever successfully fallen asleep to “American Bad Ass” during nap time.

5. Chlamydia is one of the morning snack options.

6. When Kid Rock is on tour, the center is run by Buckcherry’s lead singer.

7. The early reading curriculum was replaced with rap rock lessons in 2007.

8. The center’s website highlights “three straight years of decreased stabbings.”

9. Teacher uniforms show 84% more nipple than traditional Montessori centers.

9.5. His late pick-up fees are ridiculous.