Long-Lost “Chronicles of Narnia: Bastard’s Delight” Book to Be Adapted to Film

Fans of C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia series of books and films received unexpected news on Tuesday when Fox Studios officially greenlit plans to release a film-adaptation of the author’s long-lost final installment The Chronicles of Narnia: Bastard’s Delight.

The storyline in Bastard’s Delight revolves around the closing of Narnia’s only abortion clinic by King Terian’s royal council and the ripple effect it has on the magical kingdom’s drug and prostitution rings.

Believing in the rights of all creatures to prematurely terminate an unplanned pregnancy, Peter, Lucy, Eustace, Polly, and Jill set out on a mission to capture the mystical Golden Veto needed to overrule the king’s proposed bill. While on their journey, however, they face a number of seemingly insurmountable obstacles, including Peter’s growing dependence on Percocet, ongoing litigation in Lucy’s unresolved bankruptcy case, and a group orgy that threatens to keep the young adventurers busy for days.

The only book in Lewis’ acclaimed series of fantasy novels for children to never be published, Bastard’s Delight had been lost for over five decades, until recently being discovered by members of the deceased author’s estate. To this day, the circumstances behind the book’s disappearance are not fully known, although literary experts believe that Lewis’ liberal use of curse words, detailed descriptions of unconventional sexual techniques, and controversial stance on same-sex relationships may have run afoul of his publisher’s standards, thus closing the door on its release.

“Clive Staples Lewis’ previous Narnia books were a publisher’s dream,” said Anna Garrison, chair of the Literary Department at NYU. “They were filled with wondrous settings, expertly developed characters and inventive storylines. The key ingredients for adolescent reading. While Bastard’s Delight makes use of many of the same characters as the previous books, I think it was just too much of a leap for his publisher to move forward with a book that has Aslan (“The Great Lion”) snorting a huge line of coke off the White Witch’s inner thigh a mere four pages into the first chapter.”

Fox Studios executives and director Andrew Adamson were well aware of the controversy surrounding Bastard’s Delight when signing onto the project, but balked at the idea of toning down the material for the big screen.

“Admittedly, I was a bit taken aback by the sheer volume of anal sex in the book when I first read it,” said Adamson, director of two previous Narnia films. “But I take pride in making sure that my film adaptations remain as true to the Lewis’ original texts as possible, and I can promise you this film won’t be the exception.”

As evidence of Adamson’s intention of remaining true to the author’s original text, the veteran director plans on approaching this film from a new perspective. While the previous Narnia films relied heavily on CGI effects to complement Lewis’ intricate storylines, Adamson plans to scale back heavily on such effects in the final installment.

“While CGI effects seemed to work well in earlier films, due to their fantastical nature, I feel that this story calls for a less-digital feel,” said Adamson. “Our sex scenes will be real, not simulated. We are in the process of training a horse to fly, just like the Pegasus in the book. And in the scene where Edmund is murdered at the brothel, we are actually going to kill the actor playing him. This thing is going to be real as real gets.”

Parent groups have already begun gearing up for nation-wide protests during the film’s premiere weekend in May 2012, with planned rallies in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Boston, and Sioux Falls, SD.

“The fact that Fox would approve such a distasteful and raunchy project literally takes my breath away,” said Margot Himmelman, president of Parents Against All Sorts of Stuff (PAASOS). “Seriously, could somebody grab my inhaler?”

Despite the threat of such protests, Fox Studios insists that production and release plans will not be altered in any way.

“We understand parents’ fears about Bastard’s Delight, but we feel that censoring art for the sake of appeasement is a slippery slope to traverse,” said Fox Studios president Bill Musselman. “C.S. Lewis is one of the greatest writers of the 20th century, and we are going to make sure that the final chapter of his celebrated Narnia series sees the light of day—no matter how many rape scenes we have to shoot, reshoot, and shoot again.”

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