1. Every time Gaddafi smiles at a customer, an angel loses its wings
2. Gaddafi’s “Buy One, Get Ritually Branded with a Coat Hanger” promotion unlikely to bring in many customers
3. Serving ice cream in the hollowed-out skulls of infidels would never pass OSHA guidelines
4. His assassination attempts on Barry Adler, manager of the rival Cold Stone Creamery, would most likely draw U.N. sanctions
5. Gaddafi’s insistence on having Butter Brickle take up 30 of Baskin-Robbins’ “31 Flavors” would devastate profits
6. The Olsen twins’ restraining order against him will prohibit him from opening a franchise in LA and New York, his preferred locations
7. As part of his religion, Gaddafi refuses to honor coupons
8. Calling in air strikes on customers who don’t contribute to the “tip jar” is against corporate policy
9. Gaddafi’s policy of never missing an episode of “One Tree Hill” would cut into prime retail hours
9.5. His Sunglass Hut counter at the Tripoli Mall is about to go out of business