I Saw "Furious 7" And I Hate Myself For It

30a16-imagesFor the sake of full disclosure, I’m a bit of a hypocrite on this one. Just one week ago, I promised I would never give a single cent to this film franchise again. The complete lack of worthy movie choices this weekend, however, left me with no other option but to swallow my pride, hand over a few bucks, and try my best to hold my lunch. It was either this or clean my bathroom. So, yes, I’m a bit of a fraud on that front. With that said, here we go…

Close, But No Cigar
Three years ago, I walked into a theater to see a movie I had been anticipating for months: “Red Tails.” The previews had made it look amazing, and I was a WWII history buff, so the story intrigued me. I made it 30 minutes in before walking out. I had never walked out of a movie before, and it hurt my heart to do it. If I hadn’t, though, there is a better-than-average chance that I would’ve been forced to commit ritual suicide due to absolute horseshit fest I was being exposed to. “Furious 7” is no “Red Tails,” but I still was tempted to adios it at several points. Truth is, it is what a popcorn movie is supposed to be in some ways. Plenty of action, lots of close-up shots of female asses, and even a few instances where the action intersected with close-up shots of female asses. Beyond that, though, this blockbuster (and it is raking in the dough, to be sure) is a shining example of the direction Hollywood needs to go if it wants to ruin itself. So, it’s not the worst film I’ve ever seen in a theater, but it is awful. Shitty and awful. Shitty, stupid and awful.

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Doctors Discover 40-Year-Old Diesel Engine Lodged In Nick Nolte’s Throat

A surgeon analyzes  a diesel engine shut-off mechanism removed from the lymph nodes of actor Nick Nolte (seen above).

Los Angeles, CA  Nick Nolte is in stable condition following emergency surgery to remove a 70s-era diesel engine that had been mysteriously lodged in his throat for over four decades. The Oscar-nominated actor—widely known for his low, raspy vocal delivery—was reportedly having dinner with friends at Los Angeles hot spot Spago on Wednesday evening when he clutched his throat and began coughing up thick diesel smoke. Upon arrival, EMT personnel discovered a grease-covered Mercedes diesel engine lodged right above Nolte’s larynx. As diners vacated the restaurant, a local mechanic dining at the popular eatery worked with paramedics to sedate Nolte and adjust the oil mixture in his throat engine. While no timetable has been released regarding when the actor will be available to work again, he is expected to be able to resume smoking four packs a day within the week. In related news, Nolte was cited by Los Angeles police prior to surgery for not meeting current California emissions standards. 

Veteran Narcissist Asks Millennials to Back the Fuck Off

 

Cambridge, MA – Complaining that he is unable to get people to applaud him for his modest achievements, local narcissist Gary Monroe has asked millennials in the Greater Boston area to refrain from successfully matching their larger-than-life egos with truly remarkable achievements. “This new generation just doesn’t understand that you don’t need to do great things to consider yourself superior to others,” said Monroe, 44, while working on an unimpressive painting he planned to hang on the lunchroom wall at work uninvited. “When I upload a video on YouTube of me playing basic chords on my guitar, I casually insert the fact into unrelated conversations. When millennials skillfully home-record tight EDM tracks in between volunteer gigs, they stream it for free on two dozen social media platforms and respond to every comment with ‘Just messing around in my free time.’ When I witness a societal ill, I share my unhelpful opinion with strangers at the gym. When millennials witness a societal ill, they write a blog post about a fundraiser they were honored to put together all by themselves and it gets picked up by The Huffington Post. Enough already.” In response to recent complaints, area millennial Josh Hammersman has offered to train older narcissists how to provide an actual positive impact on society while simultaneously shining a light on their humility and altruism. 

Mark Wahlberg Still Attempting to Break Into Reese Witherspoon’s House 19 Years After "Fear" Release

18d99-wahlberg-in-fear-mark-wahlberg-15082225-853-480-copyLos Angeles, CA — Actor Mark Wahlberg has been charged with trespassing and attempted breaking and entering for the 39th time since 1996 after security officers in the exclusive gated-community of Brentwood Circle discovered the actor screaming terroristic threats outside Reese Witherspoon’s $3.4 million dollar mansion.

Witnesses reported that Wahlberg approached Witherspoon’s homewhich was unoccupied at the time of the incidentat 10 p.m. on Tuesday evening and proceeded to pound his fist on the door and scream “Let me in!” for approximately thirty minutes. Following several failed attempts to break into the home through a second story window, Wahlberg was seen starting the four-car garage on fire with a lit cigarette and a can of gas he retrieved from the trunk of his car. Damage to the home is estimated to total more than $400,000.

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ISIS Calls for Valentine’s Day Cease Fire So Jihadists Can See “Fifty Shades of Grey”

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Jihadists grab popcorn before the 8 p.m. showing of Grey.

In an unprecedented move that sent shockwaves throughout the Middle East, senior leaders from the radical Islamic terrorist organization ISIS initiated a one-day cease fire on Valentine’s Day, so that its jihadists could attend screenings of the film adaptation of E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey.

A staple on the ISIS required reading list—along with the Quran and 7 Habits of Highly Effective PeopleFifty Shades of Grey is distributed to all new recruits at training camps across the Middle East, with individual combat training only taking place after an intense series of book-related quizzes are completed and passed.

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Al Sharpton Points His Finger at…White Hanes T-Shirts

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In our first installment of our “Al Sharpton Points His Finger at…” series, the reverend explores the increasing cost of his favorite white undershirt and the larger implications this has on society.

Hello, my friends,

It’s Thursday, and I’m pissed. I just went to Target to buy some white Hanes undershirts for a trip I’m taking to Barbados to discuss minority education disparities in urban St. Louis, and a 3-pack of crew neck tees cost $12.49. You heard me right. Twelve fuckin’ dollars and forty-nine god-damned cents!

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