In our first installment of our “Al Sharpton Points His Finger at…” series, the reverend explores the increasing cost of his favorite white undershirt and the larger implications this has on society.
Hello, my friends,
It’s Thursday, and I’m pissed. I just went to Target to buy some white Hanes undershirts for a trip I’m taking to Barbados to discuss minority education disparities in urban St. Louis, and a 3-pack of crew neck tees cost $12.49. You heard me right. Twelve fuckin’ dollars and forty-nine god-damned cents!
1. His stance regarding dudes that look like ladies will never gain mainstream judicial support.
2. During his short-lived stint on the New York State Supreme Court, the rest of the justices mysteriously contracted Hepatitis C.
3. Following each of Tyler’s courtroom statements with a Joe Perry guitar solo will further slow down an already lengthy hearing process.
4. Every time he bangs his gavel, the huge pile of cocaine on his desk explodes into the air.
5. Ruth Bader Ginsburg lost her virginity to “Love in an Elevator”—in an actual elevator—and doesn’t like to talk about it.
6. Sooner or later, all of the justices’ mic stands would be covered with colorful scarves.
7. The fact that 92% of Americans wish that Tyler’s mother would have aborted him in 1948 lends more fuel to the already-contentious Roe v. Wade debate.
8. While neither the GOP or DFL would endorse him, Buckcherry and Nickelback would.
9. Tyler believes the guy who played Ted in “How I Met Your Mother” is the greatest comedic mind of this, or any, generation.
9.5. The majority of justices believe that bad scat singing is the opposite of free speech.
Searching for innovative ways to attract an increasingly disinterested local fan base, the Minnesota Timberwolves implemented a “Blind Appreciation Night” promotion for Thursday night’s game—a demoralizing 122-64 loss to the Utah Jazz.
The new promotion—the first of its kind in NBA history—provided all blind patrons with free obstructed-view seats, 50% off all misprinted Timberwolves apparel, a private meet-and-greet with a man claiming to be team owner Glen Taylor, and all-you-can-eat Snausages for all seeing-eye dogs in attendance.
“For quite some time now, the Timberwolves have been putting a remarkably unwatchable product out to consumers,” said Melissa Martell, Timberwolves VP of Marketing. “We figured it was time to reach out to a demographic that could enjoy the game without having to actually see the atrocities taking place on the court. After all, hearing bad basketball isn’t nearly as haunting as seeing it.”
If I were to compare the year in movies to a sickly animal, I would call 2014 a legless kitten. You’re sad that there’s not more to love, but what there is too love is so damn cute you can’t help but smile. Sure, it might be more fun to dissect the worst movies of 2014 (“Ride Along”, “I, Frankenstein”, “Robocop”, “Anchorman 2”, “Noah,” and “Divergent”, to name a handful), but I would like to provide a positive take on movies before the calendar turns over. I know, I’m as freaked out by this as anyone!
Anyway, here are my top ten films of 2014*:
1. Coughing up blood while on the ice is an automatic ½ point deduction (per instance).
2. He still calls “48 Hours” co-star Eddie Murphy twice a week to call him the N-word.
3. Multiple doubles skating partners have quit due to Nolte’s continued refusal to cut his fingernails.
4. The march at the opening ceremony is a quarter-mile longer than Nolte has walked in the last ten years combined.
5. His insistence on performing in a Orange Crush t-shirt and long-underwear bottoms.
6. Wandering around the Olympic Village offering blowjobs for cocaine violates Russia’s new anti-gay propaganda laws.
7. His skates are actually an old pair of steel-toed boots with the word “figure skaytes” written in Sharpie.
8. His petition to have Nelson Mandela buried in a prison graveyard have not been well-received by the international community.
9. He experiences violent seizures when reminded of his sex scenes with Barbara Streisand in “Prince of Tides.”
9.5. Each of the moves in his routine includes a brief sneak peek of his wiener.
Pittsburgh, PA — Benjamin Calgon, founder of Calgon, Inc., the eight largest bath and beauty product company in the world, was arrested on Thursday on charges that he had abducted and abused 2.1 million women from their bathtubs over the past four-plus decades.
Known for its commercials that had stressed women uttering the phrase “Calgon, take me away!” (click here), the Calgon company is believed to have been used as a front for its founder’s complex, often violent, kidnapping and sex-trafficking operation since 1968. Victims were allegedly removed from their tubs in large flying bubbles and forced to work as migrant farmers or truck-stop prostitutes.
Chicago, IL — Wilco frontman Jeff Tweedy has reached an agreement with a Chicago-based catering company to replace each of his microphones with assorted deli sandwiches for the band’s upcoming tour. As part of the six-figure agreement, Tweedy’s mic stand will now be topped with a rotating selection of ham- and turkey-based offerings, each adjusted to the proper height to allow the plump indie-rock legend to take in-song bites with minimal effort.
Designed by Tweedy himself, the new “sandwich mic” is believed to be the first in a series of radical on-stage innovations designed to ensure the increasingly obese musician is never more than eight steps away from food. Other steps include replacing the guts of his amps with potato salad, using guitar strings made of black licorice, and filling his on-stage water bottles with beef gravy.
Okemah, OK — A group of heavily armed Somali pirates were killed on Saturday afternoon, following a failed attempt to hijack the famous Flex Seal “screen door” boat on Okemah Lake. The deceased pirates, none of whom were apparently able to even tread water, are believed to be the same group that had taken part in a number of bloody oil tanker hijackings off the horn of Africa in recent months.
Captained by Flex Seal spokesman Phil Swift, the screen door boat was on a standard test run on Saturday when it was approached by a large speed boat carrying 13 Somalian males armed with AK-47s and machetes. After a nearly three-hour chase, during which Swift expertly evaded the Somalians with a series of shifty paddling maneuvers, the Somalian vessel eventually snagged the craft with grappling hooks.