Top Big Screen Flicks of 2015: It’s a Fact, Jack!

2015 Flicks

The year 2015 was a mixed bag. Donald Trump was Donald Trump (ugh). The New England Patriots won another Super Bowl (yawn). Employment rates went up (yay!). Adele remained the most overrated thing since the Sleep Number bed (just stop!).

Equally mixed was the year in film. Filled with some stunning highs and some diarrhea-inducing lows, it was difficult to define it as an up or down year in the ol’ cinema.

As always, I’m tempted to dismantle the shit storm of terrible films that passed through our sacred cinemas in 2015 (“Furious 7,” “Aloha,” “Hitman: Agent 47,” “Inherent Vice,” Taken 3,”  “Hot Tub Time Machine 2” and “Avengers: Age of Ultron,” for example). Alas, this is the sole exercise for which I try to look at the brighter side of what is put in front of my eyes.

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Rinse, Repeat, Rip Off…Oh, and Hooray!

star-wars-force-awakens-official-posterThere may be a spoiler or two here, folks. Read at your own risk.

Like so many, I grew up infatuated with anything and everything even remotely attached to the Star Wars universe. It’s hardly a unique badge to wear, but I wear it proudly.

The original “Star Wars” was, without a doubt, the movie that got me hooked on the movie-going experience. The opening battle on Hoth in “Empire Strikes Back” remains, to this day, one of my favorite movie sequences ever. And when “Return of the Jedi” came to the Isle Theatre in Cumberland, WI in 1983, I attended the 7 p.m. showing every evening during its two-week run, going as far as picking up yard work around town each day to earn the $1.75 ticket cost each night.

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Suede Jackets, Wine Stains And A Heart Still Broken

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Merlot may have stained Cindy Mancini’s suede outfit in Can’t Buy Me Love, but it was her beauty that stained my heart.

1987. The year I began to truly understand the world and all of its wonders. The year I awoke from an adolescent slumber to understand that nothing but possibilities await the hopeful spirit. The year I discovered my heart’s expansive, never-ending capacity for love. The year I found Cindy Mancini.

To most, Cindy Mancini was simply a fictional character from the film Can’t Buy Me Love. They would be wrong. In truth, she was irrefutable proof that hopeless dorks had a chance to win the love of the head cheerleader—as long as they could afford to buy her a $1,000 suede outfit after a classmate spilled red wine on her mother’s outfit at a super lame high school party. As an awkward 135-pound eighth grader with tinted prescription glasses and a proclivity for wearing leather ties to junior high dances, even the smallest bit of hope can buoy you for years to come.

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I Saw "Furious 7" And I Hate Myself For It

30a16-imagesFor the sake of full disclosure, I’m a bit of a hypocrite on this one. Just one week ago, I promised I would never give a single cent to this film franchise again. The complete lack of worthy movie choices this weekend, however, left me with no other option but to swallow my pride, hand over a few bucks, and try my best to hold my lunch. It was either this or clean my bathroom. So, yes, I’m a bit of a fraud on that front. With that said, here we go…

Close, But No Cigar
Three years ago, I walked into a theater to see a movie I had been anticipating for months: “Red Tails.” The previews had made it look amazing, and I was a WWII history buff, so the story intrigued me. I made it 30 minutes in before walking out. I had never walked out of a movie before, and it hurt my heart to do it. If I hadn’t, though, there is a better-than-average chance that I would’ve been forced to commit ritual suicide due to absolute horseshit fest I was being exposed to. “Furious 7” is no “Red Tails,” but I still was tempted to adios it at several points. Truth is, it is what a popcorn movie is supposed to be in some ways. Plenty of action, lots of close-up shots of female asses, and even a few instances where the action intersected with close-up shots of female asses. Beyond that, though, this blockbuster (and it is raking in the dough, to be sure) is a shining example of the direction Hollywood needs to go if it wants to ruin itself. So, it’s not the worst film I’ve ever seen in a theater, but it is awful. Shitty and awful. Shitty, stupid and awful.

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Doctors Discover 40-Year-Old Diesel Engine Lodged In Nick Nolte’s Throat

A surgeon analyzes  a diesel engine shut-off mechanism removed from the lymph nodes of actor Nick Nolte (seen above).
Los Angeles, CA – Nick Nolte is in stable condition following emergency surgery to remove a 70s-era diesel engine that had been mysteriously lodged in his throat for over four decades. The Oscar-nominated actor—widely known for his low, raspy vocal delivery—was reportedly having dinner with friends at Los Angeles hot spot Spago on Wednesday evening when he clutched his throat and began coughing up thick diesel smoke. Upon arrival, EMT personnel discovered a grease-covered Mercedes diesel engine lodged right above Nolte’s larynx. As diners vacated the restaurant, a local mechanic dining at the popular eatery worked with paramedics to sedate Nolte and adjust the oil mixture in his throat engine. While no timetable has been released regarding when the actor will be available to work again, he is expected to be able to resume smoking four packs a day within the week. In related news, Nolte was cited by Los Angeles police prior to surgery for not meeting current California emissions standards. 

Veteran Narcissist Asks Millennials to Back the Fuck Off

 

Cambridge, MA – Complaining that he is unable to get people to applaud him for his modest achievements, local narcissist Gary Monroe has asked millennials in the Greater Boston area to refrain from successfully matching their larger-than-life egos with truly remarkable achievements. “This new generation just doesn’t understand that you don’t need to do great things to consider yourself superior to others,” said Monroe, 44, while working on an unimpressive painting he planned to hang on the lunchroom wall at work uninvited. “When I upload a video on YouTube of me playing basic chords on my guitar, I casually insert the fact into unrelated conversations. When millennials skillfully home-record tight EDM tracks in between volunteer gigs, they stream it for free on two dozen social media platforms and respond to every comment with ‘Just messing around in my free time.’ When I witness a societal ill, I share my unhelpful opinion with strangers at the gym. When millennials witness a societal ill, they write a blog post about a fundraiser they were honored to put together all by themselves and it gets picked up by The Huffington Post. Enough already.” In response to recent complaints, area millennial Josh Hammersman has offered to train older narcissists how to provide an actual positive impact on society while simultaneously shining a light on their humility and altruism. 

Mark Wahlberg Still Attempting to Break Into Reese Witherspoon’s House 19 Years After "Fear" Release

18d99-wahlberg-in-fear-mark-wahlberg-15082225-853-480-copyLos Angeles, CA — Actor Mark Wahlberg has been charged with trespassing and attempted breaking and entering for the 39th time since 1996 after security officers in the exclusive gated-community of Brentwood Circle discovered the actor screaming terroristic threats outside Reese Witherspoon’s $3.4 million dollar mansion.

Witnesses reported that Wahlberg approached Witherspoon’s home—which was unoccupied at the time of the incident—at 10 p.m. on Tuesday evening and proceeded to pound his fist on the door and scream “Let me in!” for approximately thirty minutes. Following several failed attempts to break into the home through a second story window, Wahlberg was seen starting the four-car garage on fire with a lit cigarette and a can of gas he retrieved from the trunk of his car. Damage to the home is estimated to total more than $400,000.

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