Amanda Matchfield shown here promoting her infamous Church and Steeple design.

Athens, GA – Local architect Andrew Matchfield reported his six-year-old daughter, Amanda, to the Athens Housing Authority (AHA) on Friday for failing to demonstrate adequate permits and city-approved plans during her recitation of the Church-and-Steeple nursery rhyme.

Amanda, a recent second-grade graduate, was reportedly playing in the family’s front yard when a friend asked her to recite the time-honored nursery rhyme to a group of children who had never heard it. Folding her hands together while chanting “Here is the church. Here is the steeple,” the girl was loudly berated by her father as she began to demonstrate how the doors opened to show all the people.

“I love my daughter, but I had to call ‘bullshit’ on her latest project,” said Matchfield over the weekend. “Put simply, her church design was sloppy, unrefined, and, quite frankly, unsafe. Watching her pass it off as a finished product to her friends broke my heart.”

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FADE IN – MORNING IN A SUNNY FIELD

Man: Mornin’, babe.

Woman: For the millionth time, could you please not call me “babe”? Is that too much to ask?

Man (rolling eyes): Sure. Whatever makes you happy. Don’t suppose you made any coffee?

Woman: Coffee? Really? In all the time we’ve been together, do you remember a single time I’ve made coffee?

Man: I was just asking.

Woman: Yeah, you just ask me every morning. And every single time I just answer “no.”

Man: Okay, I get it.

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Witnesses claim Skittle’s kitty breath smells like innocence and angels.

Santa Rosa, CA – Following three days of intense deliberation, members of the Sterling Heights Neighborhood Association Court on Monday found Skittles the Kitten guilty on six counts of being overly precious with the intent to charm and delight.

Skittles, a three-week-old tabby without an owner, was arrested on June 18 after several neighborhood residents spotted the 7-ounce kitten prancing around playfully in the fresh clippings of Linda Feldstein’s recently mowed lawn. According to police reports, the incident was so precious and smile-inducing that neighborhood resident and World War II veteran Gil McAvoy broke into a laughing fit lasting over two hours.

After administering oxygen to McAvoy, neighborhood police initially questioned Skittles and let her off with a warning. However, officers were forced to take the super-soft ball of wonderment into custody after a crowd on angry homeowners armed with water-filled spray bottles attempted to break through police lines and assault the suspect.

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Here I sit. A lonely shell of a man. A mere shadow of my former self in the days since you walked out the front door of our house and out of my life forever.

Why you left, God only knows. But since I don’t believe in God, or any other all-powerful deity for that matter, I feel as though the secret of your leaving is cruelly inaccessible to me. Searching for answers is an exercise in romantic futility, and now I’m left with only the pain of the unknown residing deep inside my scarred heart. A pain that may never go away.

The difficult truth is that, while you packed your things and left without a word, your presence somehow remains in every inch of this place you once called home. No matter how hard I try, I cannot escape the bittersweet memories that have ruthlessly tattooed themselves on both the walls of this once-warm abode and those that have now closed off my heart.

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Memphis, TN – Frustrated by the constant stream of hurtful taunts written on his dirty windows, James Burton’s 2008 Toyota Corolla took revenge Sunday evening by writing “wash me” on teenager Brandon Peltner’s blemish-filled face while he slept.

Peltner, a high school freshman with chronic skin problems, has lived across the street from the fuel-efficient compact car since 2008. In recent years, he has been witnessed writing a variety of wash-related taunts on the Corolla’s dirty side and rear windows.

According to neighbors, things came to head on the evening of June 3, 2012, at which time Peltner reportedly wrote “If you think my car is dirty, you should see my balls,” referencing the private parts of the car’s owner.

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Dear Gus the Dog,

We’ve shared many an adventure throughout our time together with the Vickers family, haven’t we? From our comical, yet destructive, backyard chase at the family’s Labor Day picnic to the time we teamed up to turn the family against the Wilbur the gerbil, our relationship has been a tumultuous concoction of periodic rivalry and mutually beneficial teamwork.

No matter where this roller-coaster ride has taken us over the years, however, I have always felt that ours was a relationship secured upon a foundation of mutual respect. That was until I came upon a strange and mysterious pile of shit in my litter box. Shit, I might add, that I know with a certainty was pushed out of your traitorous ass.

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In an effort to increase lagging sales of their children’s Happy Meal offering, McDonald’s has announced a new promotion offering patrons a pair of youth-sized sweatpants with the purchase of a hamburger, cheeseburger or McNuggets Happy Meal. The Sweatpant Happy Meals will be available at all locations in March 2012 and represent McDonald’s first foray into alternative promotional offerings for their historically popular children’s food offerings.

The fast food giant’s latest initiative comes on the heels of a recent nationwide research project indicating that 7 out of 10 children eating Happy Meals attempted to consume the toy included with the meal, with approximately 45% successfully doing so. Additionally, 52% of all children observed no longer fit into their pants at the conclusion of their meal, forcing a number of parents to fashion make-shift parkas from empty garbage bags provided by restaurant staff.

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Hey Melissa,

Who in the fuck do you think you are? Is it God? Is that who you think you are? Because that’s the only explanation I can think of for why you passed me up in favor of Whole Kernel Sweet Corn as a side dish for your meal tonight.

Now, I’ve got nothing against Whole Kernel Sweet Corn. I’ve spent a few weeks with him in the cupboard, and he seems like a really stand-up guy. Hell, if you add some butter and a little salt to him, I’m sure he’ll keep a big-ass smile on your face long after he has moved into your intestinal tract. What I do have a problem with, however, is the fact that Whole Kernel Sweet Corn has only been in the cupboard for three fucking weeks, while I’ve been languishing amongst the other forgotten canned goods for going on three years.

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Washington, DC – Top officials at the Department of Defense announced Monday the launching of an investigation into 7-year-old World War II veteran Andrew Millen’s recent claims that he was responsible for killing Pearl Harbor and dropping an atomic bomb on Hitler.

Millen, who initially revealed his decades-old combat exploits at a Halloween party at Chambers Elementary School in Ogden, North Dakota, has remained stood firmly behind his claims in recent months, despite intense criticism from Pentagon officials, veterans groups, and anti-war activists.

According to the DoD, a number of Millen’s claims first began raising red flags in early November after a YouTube video of the Halloween party went viral. Among those drawing the most skepticism are Millen’s assertions that he downed a German airplane with a “ham grenade” and that he ran over Osama bin Laden with a tank during the Battle of the Bulge.

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