Minneapolis, MN – After suffering through his third straight losing season with the bottom-dwelling Minnesota Timberwolves, All Star power forward Kevin Love has vowed to talk more seriously about committing to work harder on his game this off-season.

Love was perhaps the lone bright spot on the down-trodden Timberwolves team during the 2010-2011 season, setting career highs in points and rebounds, turning in the league’s first 30-point, 30 rebound game in over three decades, and becoming the franchise’s first All Star since Kevin Garnett. He was also named the recipient of the NBA Most Improved Player Award.

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With the selection of Florida State quarterback Christian Ponder with the 12th pick in the first round of the 2011 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings opened themselves up to far-reaching criticism from fans, the media, and draft experts across the nation who claim they “reached” for Ponder out of desperation. 

The selection of Ponder, who was slated by most experts as going between 15-30 positions further down in the draft, reminded many fans of the Viking’s head-scratching selection of unheralded, and currently unemployed, quarterback Tarvaris Jackson in the second round of 2006’s draft. 

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Pasadena, CA — As part of a last-second plea agreement, the La Salle High School varsity girls basketball team agreed to a plead guilty on Tuesday to charges that they tortured and subsequently murdered the sport of basketball over a period of five weeks in early 2011.

The plea agreement came about as a result of charges brought forth following the team’s February 22, 2011 contest with East Valley High School.

According to charges filed in Los Angeles County Court, La Salle was trailing East Valley by a score of 23-1 late in the fourth quarter when lead referee Jerry Daniels paused the game, called local law enforcement to the school, and instructed officers to detain the La Salle players and coaching staff on charges that they “violently and maliciously destroyed the game I love.”

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Minneapolis, MN – With the status of injured quarterbacks Brett Favre and Tarvaris Jackson uncertain for Monday night’s division tilt against the Chicago Bears, the Minnesota Vikings made a stunning move Wednesday, signing former Bayside High School quarterback A.C. Slater to a 10-year, 94-million dollar contract Wednesday.

Born Albert Clifford Slater, the man now known as A.C. last played quarterback and running back for the top-rated Bayside Tigers from 1990 to 1993.

A three-sport star at Bayside high school, Slater was viewed by college scouts across the country as the #1 rated quarterback recruit in the nation in the early 90s. His 1993 season totals of 22,850 yards passing, 12,825 yards rushing, and 8,750 receiving remain a single-season record in California. Despite those gaudy statistics and scholarship offers from every Division I football program in the country, Slater inexplicably turned away from the sport he loved, instead choosing to pursue a career in the arts.

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Minneapolis, MN – In a press conference announcing his hiring Monday, new University of Minnesota football coach Jerry Kill enthusiastically outlined a detailed plan to transform the university’s struggling men’s hockey program into a perennial national championship contender.

“Let me make one thing perfectly clear,” stated Kill when asked about his goals for the upcoming season. “I’m coming to the University of Minnesota with one goal and one goal only. And that is to bring the Minnesota Gopher hockey program back to the top of the heap.”

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Several Target Field employees have witnessed the late owner evacuating his otherworldly bowels on the field he helped build but was never able to see while alive.

Minneapolis, MN – An apparition resembling late-Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad was reportedly spotted defecating on the Target Field pitching mound late Sunday evening, according to employees of the organization.

While the events of Sunday evening are still under investigation, initial reports indicate that assistant groundskeeper Larry Prentice was in the process of removing a build-up of ice over the third-base dugout at about 9 pm when he witnessed a “spirit-like” figure extricate his bowels on the pitching rubber.

“When I first walked onto the field, it looked like someone had just blown a cloud of smoke over the pitching mound,” said a visibly shaken Prentice. “As I looked more closely, though, the cloud took the shape of Mr. Pohlad. I couldn’t believe my eyes at first, but then there he was floating above the mound like an angel.”

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Dear followers of the Purple and Gold,

It is with great sadness that I write this letter. As of Monday, November 22, 2010, I will no longer be the coach of the Minnesota Vikings. The Wilf family, in their shared wisdom, has decided to move this proud franchise in another direction. While I will miss the players with whom I have developed a shared appreciation for the Vikings’ legacy, I find myself not in a state of regret, but rather in a state of deep pride and thankfulness.

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Woodbury, MN — An increased workload and recent threats of company-wide layoffs kept local insurance executive Andrew Blankenship from loudly berating and belittling his 6-year-old son Connor during his youth hockey game on Wednesday evening.

The game between the Woodbury Red team (1-11) and the Woodbury Blue team (10-1) marked the first time Blankenship was not in the stands showering his son with a crowd-pleasing combination of unfounded criticisms and profanity-laced personal attacks, a milestone not lost on the plucky second-grader.

“It made my heart cry tears when I didn’t hear my daddy screaming in the bleachers,” said Connor, a fifth-string center on the Woodbury Red squad. “He always makes my friends laugh real hard when he yells for me to pull my head out of my ass or screams ‘Connor sucks dog tits!’ as loud as he can. It makes me feel special, because my friend Andy’s dad just sits there and claps.”

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