Letter From God To Tim Tebow Regarding Jeremy Lin

ffe01-tebowlinHey Timmy,

Long time no talk. Sorry for not responding to your prayers in a while. It’s been really crazy around here lately. Between this gay marriage debate and getting prepped for Easter, I’ve hardly had any time to myself. I haven’t even had time to pay my bookie for that bet I lost on your last playoff game. (Thanks for that, by the way. JK.)

Seriously, though, I did want to get in touch to let you know about a big change in my life that will undoubtedly affect you. And while it may be difficult for you to understand and accept at first, I think we’ll both be better off in the long run. Regardless, you deserve to hear it from me, not TMZ or ESPN.

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Local Skateboarder First to Successfully Perform That Trick That Kinda Looks Like Several Other Tricks

7a73c-2592544742_a1c9473c4dSan Bernardino, CA — Local skateboarder Connor “Breakout” Mendelsen shocked a group of onlookers at the East Side Skatepark on Tuesday after successfully completing a trick that looked strikingly similar to three dozen other tricks he performed earlier in the day, but was reportedly way tougher.

Mendelsen, 12, who has been skating at the East Side Skatepark for over six years, had just completed back-to-back pressure flips when he attempted a trick known as a 360 Pop Shuv It. After extending the trick an extra two degrees—a trick Mendelsen termed a “362 Pop Shuv It”—onlooking skaters screamed their approval out loud for nearly 45 seconds, before returning to their purposeless loitering and intense cursing of nearby residents playing tennis.

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Kim Jong-il Shoots 14-Under-Par From Deathbed

fedcb-kim-jong-il1Pyongyang, North Korea – Kim Jong-il, late supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, was still able to golf a 14-under-par round of 58 on Sunday, despite being only moments from death, according to the government controlled media services.

Kim, who passed away on Sunday due to complications from an apparent heart attack, reportedly played 18 holes at the Pyongyang International Country Club from the comfort of his Craftmatic Adjustable Bed at the presidential palace, making one birdie, three eagles, and seven holes-in-one.

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Kevin Love Vows To Talk About Working Harder in Offseason

Minneapolis, MN – After suffering through his third straight losing season with the bottom-dwelling Minnesota Timberwolves, All Star power forward Kevin Love has vowed to talk more seriously about committing to work harder on his game this off-season.

Love was perhaps the lone bright spot on the down-trodden Timberwolves team during the 2010-2011 season, setting career highs in points and rebounds, turning in the league’s first 30-point, 30 rebound game in over three decades, and becoming the franchise’s first All Star since Kevin Garnett. He was also named the recipient of the NBA Most Improved Player Award.

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To Reach, Or Not To Reach? Ponder vs. Jackson

With the selection of Florida State quarterback Christian Ponder with the 12th pick in the first round of the 2011 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings opened themselves up to far-reaching criticism from fans, the media, and draft experts across the nation who claim they “reached” for Ponder out of desperation. 

The selection of Ponder, who was slated by most experts as going between 15-30 positions further down in the draft, reminded many fans of the Viking’s head-scratching selection of unheralded, and currently unemployed, quarterback Tarvaris Jackson in the second round of 2006’s draft. 

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Girls High School Basketball Team Convicted of Murdering Sport

885c0-becky2bgetzPasadena, CA — As part of a last-second plea agreement, the La Salle High School varsity girls basketball team agreed to a plead guilty on Tuesday to charges that they tortured and subsequently murdered the sport of basketball over a period of five weeks in early 2011.

The plea agreement came about as a result of charges brought forth following the team’s February 22, 2011 contest with East Valley High School.

According to charges filed in Los Angeles County Court, La Salle was trailing East Valley by a score of 23-1 late in the fourth quarter when lead referee Jerry Daniels paused the game, called local law enforcement to the school, and instructed officers to detain the La Salle players and coaching staff on charges that they “violently and maliciously destroyed the game I love.”

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9.5 Reasons The Green Bay Packers Will Never Be America’s Team

1. Seven out of ten paraplegics living in the U.S. today list former Packer safety Chuck Cecil as the reason they are paralyzed.

2. While no concrete evidence of Bart Starr’s involvement in the bombing of Pearl Harbor exists, we all know better.

3. A hot tub + teenage girls + Mark Chmura = rape soup.

4. Aaron Rodgers insists the lyrics he gave Christina Aguilera for the national anthem on Sunday are correct.

5. Any team that will callously turn its back on Brett Favre – a man who epitomizes loyalty, decisiveness, and etiquette in texting – cannot be trusted.

6. It is highly unlikely that our founding fathers would view Najeh Davenport taking a dump in a college student’s clothes hamper as patriotic.

7. Americans do not approve of former Packer safety Mossy Cade sexually assaulting his aunt. (They do, however, approve of his nickname “The Aunteater.”)

8. While he agrees that there is no “I” in team, Packer linebacker Clay Matthews Jr. is adamant that there is an “L” and two “Qs.”

9. Until the Packers snort more coke than Michael Irvin, fill a van with more weed than Nate Newton, or expose themselves to more female reporters than Charles Haley, they will never wrestle the title of “America’s Team” away from the Dallas Cowboys.

9.5. While 92% of Packer fans believe in God, he believes in less than 6% of them.