If I were to compare the year in movies to a sickly animal, I would call 2014 a legless kitten. You’re sad that there’s not more to love, but what there is too love is so damn cute you can’t help but smile. Sure, it might be more fun to dissect the worst movies of 2014 (“Ride Along”, “I, Frankenstein”, “Robocop”, “Anchorman 2”, “Noah,” and “Divergent”, to name a handful), but I would like to provide a positive take on movies before the calendar turns over. I know, I’m as freaked out by this as anyone!

Anyway, here are my top ten films of 2014*:

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Auric Goldfinger. Dr. Julius No. Francisco Scaramanga.

For over four decades, Britain’s dashing, debonair and deadly super spy James Bond has squared off against the most dangerous criminal masterminds in motion picture history. In the latest installment of the 007 film series, however, the bullet-proof may finally have met his match—genital warts.

Set to be released in November 2012, Skyfall reportedly follows 007 as he attempts to save the world—and his crotch—from a collection of soft growths determined to sprout on the surface skin of the super-spy’s genitals and/or anus. The warts represent the first non-human antagonist to square off against Bond, a risky departure from the tried-and-true formula that has made the film series one of history’s most profitable.

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Bender, Clark, Reynolds, Standish and Johnson in 1984.

In 1984, five unique, yet similar, students gathered at the Shermer High School library on a cold Saturday morning in March to serve detention for their various crimes. Eight hours, one awkward dance scene and several emotional ephiphonies later, each would exit their adolescent prisons with a new outlook on life. They were the Breakfast Club.

For the world outside of that library, the story of these intrepid teenagers ended moments after their sentence was served. For the members of the Breakfast Club, the story was just beginning.

The following are brief snapshots of the lives that emerged from Shermer High School on the fateful day.

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London, UK – Christopher Nolan, the director known the world around for his dark, complex and visually inventive film-making, is taking his craft to a new level. The mind behind The Dark Knight trilogy, Memento, and The Prestige, has announced plans to simultaneously film three separate sequels to his box office smash Inception and insert each into the plot of two yet-to-be-filmed Inception prequels.

Released in 2010, Inception told the story of Dom Cobb, a thief who commits corporate espionage by infiltrating the dreams of his targets. Starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Ken Watanabee, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Ellen Page, the film featured a number of sequences where characters entered multiple levels of their subject’s subconscious in order to manipulate their conscious actions.

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Garrison, moments after his first body-bag request in 1984.

Wheeling, WV — Shaking her head and fighting off tears, the mother of Karate Kid actor Rob Garrison bought her son a body bag for his birthday for the 23rd straight year. The bag, which was purchased from Gary’s Crime Scene Outlet on Tuesday, had been loudly requested by the former teen actor during a contentious phone conversation with Cynthia Garrison back in June.

Garrison, who acted in small roles in a number of 80’s films, received his big break in 1984 when he was cast as the easily excitable Cobra Kai henchman Tommy in the wildly successful film The Karate Kid. The young actor made his most indelible mark on the film during a scene in which a red-faced and smiling Tommy maniacally yells “Get him a body bag! Yeah!” (click here) following an illegal leg strike against the film’s hero, Daniel Larusso.

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The Cowboy Way
Release Date: June 3, 1994
Starring: Woody Harrelson, Kiefer Sutherland, Dylan McDermott
SW Grade: Worse Than a Surprise C-section

A fish out of water tale. That’s what people in the film industry call the type of story that takes a character and places him or her into an environment totally foreign—and often comically strange—to them. It worked wonderfully in Crocodile Dundee. Aussie Paul Hogan never looked or sounded more whacky than while walking down the back alleys of NYC in a leather vest and smile. It worked even better in Back to the Future. Michael J. Fox kissing his mom? What will they think of next? And don’t even get me started on Sylvester Stallone and Estelle Getty in Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot.

Released in 1994, The Cowboy Way is yet another fine example of the “fish out of water” approach to filmmaking. The fish: two rodeo cowboys. The foreign environment: New York City. I know, I know. Cue the never-ending comedy.

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Seagal attempts to show a bar patron how to snap his own wrist without spilling his drink.

Vancouver, BC – With his latest action film Fight War on a two-day hiatus as producers attempt to obtain more funding, actor Steven Seagal spent Tuesday teaching unsuspecting Vancouver residents how to bend their arms and legs unnaturally behind their bodies.

Seagal’s unsolicited arm-bending demonstrations — based largely on a series of moves he perfected in his early action films — began when the cult-movie action star engaged local software engineer Bill McCollough outside a local Starbucks.

“I had just picked up an iced coffee when this obese guy with a pony tail grabs my arm and says ‘wanna see something cool?'” said a visibly shaken McCollough, his shirt sleeve covered in blood and bone splinters. “Before I could even answer, my coffee is on the ground and my elbow is touching the back of my neck.”

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Satisfaction
Release Date: February 12, 1988
Starring: Justine Bateman, Liam Neeson, Julia Roberts
SW Grade: Slightly Fucking Awesome

What would we do baby, without us?
What would we do baby, without us?
And there ain’t not nothin’ we can’t pull each other through.
What would we do baby, without us?
Sha na na na.

If you are anything like me, hearing that collection of broken grammar and hippie half-speak sung over two decades ago signified the highlight of your week. That spine-tingling moment when Mallory Keaton, a.k.a. Justine Bateman, walked into your life for a 30 minute burst of laughter and beauty on the ABC hit-com Family Ties. Sure, Michael J. Fox had the legions of fans. Sure, Michael Gross had the natural dramatic ability. Sure, Tina Yothers had…she had…well…okay, Tina Yothers brought everybody down. But the show was—and will always be—about that enigma in leg warmers, Mallory.

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Over the Top
Release Date: February 13, 1987
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Robert Loggia, David Mendenhall
SW Grade: Fucking Awesome

The year is 1987. A stunned and astonished planet watches as India invades Pakistan. Costa Rican President, Oscar Arias Sanchez, wins the Nobel Peace Prize for kick-starting the peace talks in Central America. The life-altering laugh riot that is “The Golden Girls” finishes the year as 4th most popular television program according to the Nielsen rating system. The Cutting Crew kicks off a stunning musical voyage by placing “(I Just) Died in Your Arms” in the Billboard Top 10. And in a bit of extreme pride for a Minnesotan, the Minnesota Twins win the World Series in seven games over the evil, Ozzie Smith-led St. Louis Cardinals.

What a year!

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Fans of C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia series of books and films received unexpected news on Tuesday when Fox Studios officially greenlit plans to release a film-adaptation of the author’s long-lost final installment The Chronicles of Narnia: Bastard’s Delight.

The storyline in Bastard’s Delight revolves around the closing of Narnia’s only abortion clinic by King Terian’s royal council and the ripple effect it has on the magical kingdom’s drug and prostitution rings.

Believing in the rights of all creatures to prematurely terminate an unplanned pregnancy, Peter, Lucy, Eustace, Polly, and Jill set out on a mission to capture the mystical Golden Veto needed to overrule the king’s proposed bill. While on their journey, however, they face a number of seemingly insurmountable obstacles, including Peter’s growing dependence on Percocet, ongoing litigation in Lucy’s unresolved bankruptcy case, and a group orgy that threatens to keep the young adventurers busy for days.

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