9.5 Reasons Muammar Gaddafi Should Not Be Allowed to Open a Baskin-Robbins Franchise in the U.S.

1. Every time Gaddafi smiles at a customer, an angel loses its wings
2. Gaddafi’s “Buy One, Get Ritually Branded with a Coat Hanger” promotion unlikely to bring in many customers

3. Serving ice cream in the hollowed-out skulls of infidels would never pass OSHA guidelines

4. His assassination attempts on Barry Adler, manager of the rival Cold Stone Creamery, would most likely draw U.N. sanctions

5. Gaddafi’s insistence on having Butter Brickle take up 30 of Baskin-Robbins’ “31 Flavors” would devastate profits

6. The Olsen twins’ restraining order against him will prohibit him from opening a franchise in LA and New York, his preferred locations

7. As part of his religion, Gaddafi refuses to honor coupons

8. Calling in air strikes on customers who don’t contribute to the “tip jar” is against corporate policy

9. Gaddafi’s policy of never missing an episode of “One Tree Hill” would cut into prime retail hours

9.5. His Sunglass Hut counter at the Tripoli Mall is about to go out of business

9.5 Reasons The Green Bay Packers Will Never Be America’s Team

1. Seven out of ten paraplegics living in the U.S. today list former Packer safety Chuck Cecil as the reason they are paralyzed.

2. While no concrete evidence of Bart Starr’s involvement in the bombing of Pearl Harbor exists, we all know better.

3. A hot tub + teenage girls + Mark Chmura = rape soup.

4. Aaron Rodgers insists the lyrics he gave Christina Aguilera for the national anthem on Sunday are correct.

5. Any team that will callously turn its back on Brett Favre – a man who epitomizes loyalty, decisiveness, and etiquette in texting – cannot be trusted.

6. It is highly unlikely that our founding fathers would view Najeh Davenport taking a dump in a college student’s clothes hamper as patriotic.

7. Americans do not approve of former Packer safety Mossy Cade sexually assaulting his aunt. (They do, however, approve of his nickname “The Aunteater.”)

8. While he agrees that there is no “I” in team, Packer linebacker Clay Matthews Jr. is adamant that there is an “L” and two “Qs.”

9. Until the Packers snort more coke than Michael Irvin, fill a van with more weed than Nate Newton, or expose themselves to more female reporters than Charles Haley, they will never wrestle the title of “America’s Team” away from the Dallas Cowboys.

9.5. While 92% of Packer fans believe in God, he believes in less than 6% of them.

9.5 Reasons Not To Let John Goodman Date Your Mom

King Ralph royalties will barely cover the cable bill

2. Will spend your inheritance on Jack Daniels and Pillsbury Toaster Strudel

3. His audition tape for lead role in Black Swan contains inordinate amount of cursing

4. Insists on only buying jewelry that contains conflict diamonds

5. Has yet to apologize for what he did to those nerds at Adams College

6. Favorite breakfast food is Thanksgiving dinner

7. Reportedly believes in creationist evolution

8. The actor who played DJ on Roseanne still lives with him

9. It’s difficult to fall asleep to Blues Brothers lullabies and shitty harmonica playing

9.5. He prefers to be on top