I Saw "Furious 7" And I Hate Myself For It

30a16-imagesFor the sake of full disclosure, I’m a bit of a hypocrite on this one. Just one week ago, I promised I would never give a single cent to this film franchise again. The complete lack of worthy movie choices this weekend, however, left me with no other option but to swallow my pride, hand over a few bucks, and try my best to hold my lunch. It was either this or clean my bathroom. So, yes, I’m a bit of a fraud on that front. With that said, here we go…

Close, But No Cigar
Three years ago, I walked into a theater to see a movie I had been anticipating for months: “Red Tails.” The previews had made it look amazing, and I was a WWII history buff, so the story intrigued me. I made it 30 minutes in before walking out. I had never walked out of a movie before, and it hurt my heart to do it. If I hadn’t, though, there is a better-than-average chance that I would’ve been forced to commit ritual suicide due to absolute horseshit fest I was being exposed to. “Furious 7” is no “Red Tails,” but I still was tempted to adios it at several points. Truth is, it is what a popcorn movie is supposed to be in some ways. Plenty of action, lots of close-up shots of female asses, and even a few instances where the action intersected with close-up shots of female asses. Beyond that, though, this blockbuster (and it is raking in the dough, to be sure) is a shining example of the direction Hollywood needs to go if it wants to ruin itself. So, it’s not the worst film I’ve ever seen in a theater, but it is awful. Shitty and awful. Shitty, stupid and awful.

Director James Wan Gives the Middle Finger to Physics and Basic Human Physiology I know, I know. It’s a popcorn action flick, man. Don’t take everything so damn serious. Perhaps that’s a fair point. All of the high-speed human transfers between cars could probably happen. Driving your car off a mountain, tumbling the entire way, crashing at the bottom, and walking away with small cut on your face is realistic. Throwing yourself out of the fifth floor of an exploding building, landing on a car with the full weight of another human being on top of you, and ending up with only a broken arm and leg seems legit. Jumping a car between three skyscrapers while cracking wise to your buddy…You know what? Fuck that noise. There were about two dozen similarly ridiculous action sequences that the mouth-breathers in the audience lapped up like thirsty dogs, but made me sad for humanity. If you’re going to go that route, just make it science fiction, for Christ’s sake. Even James Bond never stretched the limits this much.

When Tyrese Gibson is Your Comic Relief, It’s Time To Abandon the Concept of Inserting Comic Relief in Your Film
I’ll give him one thing, Tyrese Gibson has dipped his pen in many a high-profile career choice. He has worked as a relatively successful model, musician and actor. Unfortunately for moviegoers, his comic skills rank somewhere between Robert Durst and the pile of crumbs that fell out of my toaster when I knocked it off the counter. So, why did the screenwriters of “Furious 7” keep making him the comic foil in this nightmare? Only God and his heavenly angels know. The scene where Gibson is tasked with causing a distraction at a prince’s party in Abu Dhabi had me wishing that the woman sitting in front of me would turn around and beat me to death with the 12-pound bag of candy she snuck into the theater. If it weren’t for Michelle Rodriguez, he would receive my vote for the worst thing to happen to Western culture…ever. Speaking of which…

Michelle Rodriguez Can Really Act!
This is actually just a test to see if you’re paying attention, because if there is one thing Michelle Rodriguez can’t do, it’s act. Look like someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome? She’s got that nailed. Deliver dialogue like she’s simultaneously pooping a TV tray? No one better. Set the definition of “sexy” back by about 350 years? Give the woman a trophy. But act? Let’s just say I was more impressed by the acting ability of the wrench Vin Diesel used to fight Jason Statham in the final fight scene. I don’t believe the wrench made it out of the movie unscathed. Unfortunately, Rodriguez’s character, Letty, did.

People Still Clap At the End of Movies, Like the Actors Are Going to Come Out From Behind the Screen and Say “Thank You”
That one speaks for itself.

Paul Walker Tribute Was Well Done
Okay, so the send off of the late Paul Walker at the end of the movie was pretty good. The “brains” behind this film did manage to get that right. Hell, if it were up to me, the movie would’ve just been 90 minutes of that. Instead, they decided to fill it with Tyrese Gibson jokes about calling dibs on a woman in a bikini.

Final Verdict
If you see only one movie in 2015, see anything but “Furious 7.” Instead, why not watch this classic YouTube video of a less-than-stellar ladder salesman. I actually enjoyed the first film in the series, but it has been a slow ride into a nearly full outhouse hole ever since. I like a stupid action movie just as much as the next guy or gal, but this waste of time was way too heavy on the “stupid.” Maybe I should have cleaned my bathroom after all. Grade: D

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