9.5 Reasons Why Steven Tyler Should Never Be Allowed To Serve On The U.S. Supreme Court


1. His stance regarding dudes that look like ladies will never gain mainstream judicial support.

2. During his short-lived stint on the New York State Supreme Court, the rest of the justices mysteriously contracted Hepatitis C.

3. Following each of Tyler’s courtroom statements with a Joe Perry guitar solo will further slow down an already lengthy hearing process. 

4. Every time he bangs his gavel, the huge pile of cocaine on his desk explodes into the air.

5. Ruth Bader Ginsburg lost her virginity to “Love in an Elevator”—in an actual elevator—and doesn’t like to talk about it. 

6. Sooner or later, all of the justices’ mic stands would be covered with colorful scarves.

7. The fact that 92% of Americans wish that Tyler’s mother would have aborted him in 1948 lends more fuel to the already-contentious Roe v. Wade debate.

8. While neither the GOP or DFL would endorse him, Buckcherry and Nickelback would.

9. Tyler believes the guy who played Ted in “How I Met Your Mother” is the greatest comedic mind of this, or any, generation.

9.5. The majority of justices believe that bad scat singing is the opposite of free speech.

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