9.5 Reasons Nick Nolte Should Not Be Allowed to Represent the U.S. as a Figure Skater at the Sochi Olympics

1. Coughing up blood while on the ice is an automatic ½ point deduction (per instance).

2. He still calls “48 Hours” co-star Eddie Murphy twice a week to call him the N-word.

3. Multiple doubles skating partners have quit due to Nolte’s continued refusal to cut his fingernails.

4. The march at the opening ceremony is a quarter-mile longer than Nolte has walked in the last ten years combined.

5. His insistence on performing in a Orange Crush t-shirt and long-underwear bottoms.

6. Wandering around the Olympic Village offering blowjobs for cocaine violates Russia’s new anti-gay propaganda laws.

7. His skates are actually an old pair of steel-toed boots with the word “figure skaytes” written in Sharpie.

8. His petition to have Nelson Mandela buried in a prison graveyard have not been well-received by the international community.

9. He experiences violent seizures when reminded of his sex scenes with Barbara Streisand in “Prince of Tides.”

9.5. Each of the moves in his routine includes a brief sneak peek of his wiener.

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