“There are causes worth dying for, but none worth killing for.”
― Albert Camus
For as long as the human species has walked the planet, conflict has arisen from the smoldering ashes of its existence. Whether land or love, power or prejudice, man has rarely found himself without a reason— perceived worthwhile or otherwise—to bear arms against another. But what if, instead of just bearing arms, soldiers were also to bear their legs, hips and a rapid outward kicking motion.
Here are five irrefutable reasons why military leaders across the globe should strongly consider replacing their deadly methods of waging war with the world’s most underrated calisthenic—the squat thrust.
BRING STYLE AND FLARE BACK TO WAR
During the earliest years of the Revolutionary War, British and American infantry would form up in long lines—or ranks—and load, aim and fire in near-flawless unison. One force would fire their weapons, followed by a mass response from the opposing force. While the result of these firing lines for the enemy was usually death or dismemberment, those disciplined lines of soldiers acting as one unit were militaristic art in its purest form. Yes, our ancestors bled class and sophistication.
Modern warfare, on the other hand, has become an exercise is crude, non-rhythmic barbarism. Our generals seem intent on trading all of the showmanship once associated with killing for the comfort and ease of firing a bunker-busting missile from the safety of a control room thousands of miles away.
Bringing the visual beauty of the squat thrust to the battlefield would reinvigorate a public that has grown tired of stale stealth bombers, sniper kills and roadside bombings. Whether performed in unison or on a soldier-by-soldier basis, squat thrust battles would rival most major market ballet companies. Plus, the beauty of a properly performed squat thrust can be easily enjoyed in any combat terrain. From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores of Tripoli, the squat thrust just plain rules.
[As an aside, trading firearms for squat thrusts could very well transform the strong anti-war faction in America into pro-war advocates. While no American likes to see our servicemen and women returning from combat in body bags, or with physical and emotional battle scars, it is difficult to imagine Americans not being elated to see our troops returning home with stronger legs and cores.]
Modern warfare, on the other hand, has become an exercise is crude, non-rhythmic barbarism. Our generals seem intent on trading all of the showmanship once associated with killing for the comfort and ease of firing a bunker-busting missile from the safety of a control room thousands of miles away.
Bringing the visual beauty of the squat thrust to the battlefield would reinvigorate a public that has grown tired of stale stealth bombers, sniper kills and roadside bombings. Whether performed in unison or on a soldier-by-soldier basis, squat thrust battles would rival most major market ballet companies. Plus, the beauty of a properly performed squat thrust can be easily enjoyed in any combat terrain. From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores of Tripoli, the squat thrust just plain rules.
[As an aside, trading firearms for squat thrusts could very well transform the strong anti-war faction in America into pro-war advocates. While no American likes to see our servicemen and women returning from combat in body bags, or with physical and emotional battle scars, it is difficult to imagine Americans not being elated to see our troops returning home with stronger legs and cores.]
SAVES ON BULLETS
Some experts estimate that Allied soldiers expended approximately 25,000 rounds of ammunition per enemy soldier killed during World War II. Multiply that number by approximately 4.5 million German military deaths alone, and you’re talking about a shit-load of bullets.
With modern-day firearms able to carry more rounds and fire at an drastically increased rate, only one conclusion can be made: we are wasting an ass-ton of bullets on this war stuff. If the world’s armies were willing to trade guns for squat thrusts, think about how many more bullets would be available for the rest of us to use recreationally or in the pursuit of crime.
No longer would gang members have to scrounge and scrape to find enough money to buy a box of illegal hollow-points for their next drive-by. No longer would defenseless hunters need work extra hours at their jobs in order to have enough ammunition to kill those rampaging deer and ducks. No longer would muggers need to use improperly sharpened knives in their crimes simply because the availability of bullets was not high in their neighborhoods.
The simple truth is that every man, woman and child deserves equal access to plentiful and affordable ammunition. Replacing military weaponry with long-forgotten calisthenics is the first step in making that lofty dream a reality.
LEVEL THE BATTLEFIELD
With the exception of the World War I and World War II, the vast majority of wars have been waged with one belligerent holding a distinct advantage in weaponry, manpower or strategic/ geographic advantage. As a result, empires and superpowers have historically tattooed their influence across the globe with little resistance, and even less oversight.
A battle waged strictly by men and women lowering themselves into a prone position through a series of strict, purposeful motions, and then jumping back to their feet, would essentially render those advantages moot. Sure, China may have 4.5 million active military personnel, but can any of them flawlessly execute the transition between the squat position to the push-up position? And who cares that the army of Belize doesn’t have a single tank? If they’ve got a plucky private who can burn through three-hundred STs without stopping, they’ve got all they need.
If you truly believe that God created all men and women equal, then the armies in which they serve should abide by that same ideal of equality. Squat thrust battles do just that. If, by chance, you believe that not all men and women were created equal, then you and Tom Cruise can go practice your fucking alien religion someplace else, cause I ain’t having it.
If you truly believe that God created all men and women equal, then the armies in which they serve should abide by that same ideal of equality. Squat thrust battles do just that. If, by chance, you believe that not all men and women were created equal, then you and Tom Cruise can go practice your fucking alien religion someplace else, cause I ain’t having it.
LEG MUSCLES WOULD NO LONGER BE NEGLECTED
Go to any gym in the U.S. and you’ll see a wannabe body-builder with chiseled biceps, a barrel chest, impossibly tight abs and legs so skinny that they barely hold up his cut-off jean shorts. For whatever reason, most men focus the bulk of their muscle-building efforts on their arms, shoulders, and chest, leaving their legs woefully under-prepared for the rigors of a mobile life.
By reemphasizing the importance of squat thrusts, military leaders will be ensuring that those forgotten leg muscles will no longer be the ugly bridesmaids of the body. No, my friends, they’ll have their day at the altar.
Hello, Mr. Quad. Ready for your workout? Hey, Mr. Calf. Are you and your partner stretched out? You’re late, Mr. Hamstring. Don’t worry, though. You can jump right in.
THE U.N. COULD JUDGE BATTLES
For decades, people the world over have openly questioned the purpose of the United Nations. The toothless international organization has long made a mockery of its purported mission by failing to deter even the least intimidating of nations and dictators from wreaking havoc upon peace-loving folks.
Their ineptitude in global politics and peace-keeping aside, the U.N. may not be a paycheck without a purpose just yet.
Their ineptitude in global politics and peace-keeping aside, the U.N. may not be a paycheck without a purpose just yet.
Battles structured solely on squat thrusts would be pointless without a corrupt and useless group of officials to determine a winner. And since the NBA referees are currently tied up with regular season games, why not give the job to the U.N. They don’t seem to have much else to do.
Stink Whispers 