9.5 Reasons Not to Enter Into a “Friends With Benefits” Relationship With Betty White


1. While she looks like a sweet older woman, White regularly beats stray dogs to death with a rock-filled sock.
2. She won’t allow you to climax until you name the opening day starting line-up of every New York Yankees team since she was born.
3. She poops in her sleep more often than she doesn’t.

4. Bea Arthur’s ghost resides in White’s vagina.

5. Her “late-night” booty calls usually take place at around 7:45 p.m.

6. After sex, White will most likely try to convince you that 9/11 was perpetrated by the White House. Not the President of the United States, but the actual building.

7. She already has “Friends with Benefits” arrangements with James Spader, Christopher Walken and Flo from the Progressive commercials.

8. When you eventually fall in love with and propose to White—and trust me, you will—she will answer by playing the laugh-track from the “Mary Tyler Moore Show.”

9. She hasn’t used protection since jazz was invented.

9.5. She occasionally breaks the “no cuddling” rule.  

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