Off-Brand Margarita Mix Saves Local Housewife Enough Money to Buy More Off-Brand Margarita Mix

ecb59-dailys-64-oz-green-demon-margarita-mixVicksville, AL – What started out as local housewife Nancy Pert’s attempt to buy three bottles of generic margarita mix at an area Walmart on Thursday turned into a chaotic celebration resulting in a fourth bottle of margarita mix being purchased.

A longtime alcoholic and Walmart patron, Pert was vomiting in the store’s parking lot when she was approached by security, escorted back into the store, and informed that the margarita mix she had just purchased was actually on sale. Upon being handed a $5 bill and some change, Pert reportedly screamed an obscenity, fell into an end-cap display of Maroon 5 CDs, and quickly purchased another bottle of margarita mix.

“At first I thought they were stopping me ’cause they thought I stealed the margarita mix,” said Pert, picking up a used cigarette butt and placing it in her pocket. “Then they told me that I ain’t took all my change. [Burps] When they handed over the money, I said ‘Shit. I’m gonna get me some more mix!'”

Pert, who reportedly drinks between 7-10 margaritas a day, is said to be particularly fond of Daily’s Margarita Mix, a generic brand of fruit-flavored mixer sold exclusively at Walmart. The mix typically sells for between $5-$7 for a 64 oz. plastic jug, making it the clear choice of transients, cash-strapped teenagers, and depressed and/or alcoholic housewives everywhere. According to store employees, however, Daily’s was on sale on Thursday for $4.12, giving Pert enough change to buy an apparently much-needed fourth bottle.

“It was really heart-warming to see someone so genuinely excited about the savings they received,” said fellow customer Jackie Welcott. “I felt like walking up and congratulating her, but her urine-soaked jeans were really throwing off a fierce stink. All the same, the entire store was just so darn happy for her.”

Members of Pert’s family saw Thursday’s news as a mixed blessing, simultaneously rejoicing the great savings Pert experienced and denouncing her crippling addiction to the tasty tequila-based beverage.

“I love my wife’s ability to track down the best prices, but this thing she’s got going on with margaritas is tearing our family apart,” said Phil Pert, Nancy’s husband of 22 years. “Just last week she was kicked out of our daughter’s dance recital after she jumped on stage, punched a third-grader and pooped on a paper mache tiger. This sale on Daily’s couldn’t have come at a worse time.”

According to a Walmart spokesman, the retail giant has decided to design their next national advertising campaign around Pert’s story, including several dozen billboards containing a picture of Pert passed out on her garage floor with the slogan “The only thing lower than our prices is this drunky.”

“For decades, Walmart has been providing our customers with the products they so desperately need at remarkably low prices,” said Vince Fox, Walmart’s VP of Marketing. “Ms. Pert’s story is a classic example of how saving money ‘the Walmart Way’ can drastically change a life. Through her addiction and rapid physical decline, we will show the American consumer that every dark cloud has a silver lining. A silver lining of savings, that is.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s