Apparently, none of you read my letter asking—no, begging—you not to vote for me for District 2 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor. How do I know that? Well, if you had, perhaps I wouldn’t have won re-election by an unprecedented tally of 11,274 votes to 3.
For a frame of reference, Broward County has 9,782 registered voters. That is approximately 1,500 fewer eligible voters than the total vote tally in yesterday’s election. Not only does this mean that just about every single registered voter in this county cast a vote for a guy who wanted nothing to do with the office of District 2 Soil And Water Conservation Supervisor, it also means that a concerted voter fraud effort was perpetrated to ensure that I got stuck monitoring dirt and water for another three years.
It’s probably pointless, but I have to ask “why?” What have I done to deserve this? We all know it has nothing to do with my skills on the conservation front. I can’t reiterate enough how little I could care about water quality and soil erosion. I’d rather suck Elmer’s Glue from an alpaca’s dick than learn about that shit.
Fuck it. You know what? If this is how you treat one of your neighbors, I’ve got no choice. As a result of your overwhelming lack of support and the colossal “Fuck You, Stan” you sent my way yesterday, I’ve decided to refocus my energy and give you all what you deserve. That’s right, I’m going to spend every ounce of my energy and effort to ensure that Broward County’s soil and water makes the Sudan look like a Beaches resort. By the end of my next term, there will be nothing but sand in our farmers’ fields and diarrhea coming out of your faucets. Believe it.
So, prepare yourselves for the coming Apocalypse. Ready yourselves for a series of soil- and water-related nightmares the likes of which not even Third World nations have experienced. You’ve re-elected me out of spite, and I will make you pay. YOU WILL SUFFER!
All my best,
Stanley W. Metzler
District 2 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor