New Gillette Mach 12 Turbo Scares The Living Shit Out Of Whiskers For An Unbelievably Clean Shave

Boston, MA – Gillette, the makers of the revolutionary Mach 3 and Mach 3 Turbo razors for men, have introduced a new shaving technology designed to intimidate facial hair to the point that it will pack its shit and leave your face yesterday.

Sharper than fuck, the Gillette Mach 12 Turbo consists of twelve unpredictably sharp blades carved from the bones of pissed-off American Indian warriors who were forcibly removed from their lands by white settlers in the 1800s. Each blade is rumored to cut whatever the hell it wants, whenever the hell it wants to, leaving men with a shave so close that women will lose their god-damned minds.


“Off the record, the Mach 12 Turbo scares me more than clowns — and I hate clowns,” said an anonymous Gillette source. “Our research has found that it doesn’t so much shave a man’s face as it does fill him with an inescapable and crippling fear that causes him to shed hair like a fucking Golden Retriever. And that’s only if you don’t slit your wrists first, which more than a few test subjects did.”

The brain-child of Mitch Felder, an ex-con who works as a custodian at the Gillette headquarters in Boston, the Mach 12 Turbo comes complete with a vial of blood-clotting agent, a prescription for Promazine to help keep the voices at bay, and a set of Rosary beads for post-shave praying (not suggested for use while shaving). Common side effects of prolonged use of the Mach 12 Turbo may include irreversible psychosis, involuntary bowel release, and the peeling off of one’s own skin like that guy in Poltergeist.

“This is not a razor you want to take lightly, unless you are fond of waking up in a pool of blood that may or may not be yours,” said Barry Applebaum, VP of marketing for Gillette. “That said, there is no closer shave on the market, and for this we are supremely proud.”

While the Mach 12 Turbo comes with Gillette’s full satisfaction guarantee, company spokesmen have suggested that customers keep any and all complaints to themselves to avoid pissing off the Mach 12 Turbo even more than it already is.

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