Auric Goldfinger. Dr. Julius No. Francisco Scaramanga.
For over four decades, Britain’s dashing, debonair and deadly super spy James Bond has squared off against the most dangerous criminal masterminds in motion picture history. In the latest installment of the 007 film series, however, the bullet-proof may finally have met his match—genital warts.
Set to be released in November 2012, Skyfall reportedly follows 007 as he attempts to save the world—and his crotch—from a collection of soft growths determined to sprout on the surface skin of the super-spy’s genitals and/or anus. The warts represent the first non-human antagonist to square off against Bond, a risky departure from the tried-and-true formula that has made the film series one of history’s most profitable.
Executives from Columbia Pictures, the studio behind Skyfall, closely researched previous Bond films for evidence that would support the inclusion of VD-inspired villain in the new installment. Having found strong indications of gonorrhea in Moonraker and tell-tale signs of crabs in GoldenEye, producers moved forward with screenwriting and casting in late 2011.
“It’s no secret that James Bond has solidified his reputation as a ladies man by having a fair amount of unprotected sex with strange, sometimes sore-covered, women he has just met,” said Columbia co-president Doug Belgrad. “In reality, if you compared the number of Bond’s sexual interactions with the documented statistics related to the most prevalent venereal diseases, there is a distinct chance his penis would just be one big scab.”
Fresh off his stunning turn in Biutiful, Academy Award-winner Javier Bardem was cast to play the personification of the genital warts in Bond’s hallucinations. Other casting coups include Ralph Fiennes, who plays a dermatologist who refuses to fill Bond’s counterfeit prescription for podofilox; Naomie Harris, as the one woman in Europe willing to touch Bond’s wiener without a glove; and Judy Dench, who reprises her role as 007’s stern superior, M.
“When I first read the script, I was so pleased to see that M’s role had expanded beyond the brow-beating bitch that had appeared in previous films,” said Dench in a recent interview. “I think people will be pleasantly surprised to see the human side to my character this time around. I still tear up every time I think of the scene where M tries to remove some of Bond’s larger, puffier warts with a state-of-the-art laser. It may very well be my best work.”
As with previous Bond films, screenwriters have equipped the legendary secret agent with a variety of gadgets and weapons cleverly disguised as everyday items. Among Skyfall’s secret gizmos is a ballpoint pen that dispenses an antibiotic ointment when clicked, a cigarette case that runs a relatively accurate HIV blood test, a smartphone made entirely of condoms, and a wristwatch that, when activated, dispenses more antibiotic ointment.
Director Sam Mendes, while understanding of the skepticism accompanying the soon-to-be-released film, remains convinced that Bond fans will come around to the idea of an enemy that is as vicious on the screen as it can be on their privates if they’re not sexually responsible.
“For fans concerned that Skyfall is too far a departure from the 007 that they’ve grown up with, we hope they won’t rush to judgment,” said Mendes. “While this series has been blessed with some very memorable super villains, not a one holds a candle to the pure evil that goes hand-in-groin with genital warts. Trust me, I know. I mean…I have a good friend who has them. Yeah, a friend.”
Actor Daniel Craig, returning for his third Bond film, believes Skyfall to be the film that finally cements his status as the most serious, true-to-life version of 007 since the character first hit the big screen.
“When Sam first approached me about the idea of Bond facing off against VD, I practically screamed ‘It’s about time!'” said Craig. “I’ve always been a big proponent of keeping 007 as human—and real—as possible. To think that the man could throw his prick inside women like Pussy Galore and Honey Rider and not, at minimum, have Syphilis is preposterous.”