Six Romantic Gifts I’ll Never Be Able to Give the Girl Who Asked Me to Stop Facebook Stalking Her

1. An upgraded XFINITY cable internet subscription. While not a classically romantic gift idea, this one would’ve been key. A slow and/or spotty internet connection is the only reason I can piece together for my lady’s inability to accept even one of my twenty-three initial friend requests. Without a doubt, these missed social media interactions played a key role in her out-of-character reaction to the innocent email I sent asking why she was being a colossally stuck-up whore. Amazing how a few megabytes here or there can so soundly impede true love.

2. A donation in her name to the Special Olympics. Call me crazy, but there is nothing sexier to me than a charitable woman. When I learned via Facebook that the love of my life was volunteering for the Special Olympics Summer Games in Dallas, TX, I just had to show up unannounced and voice my support from the stands every time she helped one of those goofy kids climb over a hurdle or attempt a cartwheel. If appreciation can be judged by the number of times a person points you out to onsite security, it’s fair to say that I scored more than a few points on that day. A ten-spot in her name to the charity would be the least I could do to repay that look in her eyes.

3. A 60-game season-ticket package for the Minnesota Twins 2013 season. Judging by the number of iPhone photos my woulda-been, coulda-been gal has posted of herself at Target Field this summer, it’s a cinch that the two of us would have been regulars at the ol’ ballpark in 2013. I can see us now, holding hands as we walk the concourse, sharing a pulled pork sandwich during the seventh-inning stretch, and joking about how funny it would be if I proposed to her over the scoreboard. Who knows? If Justin Morneau wouldn’t have freaked out when I offered to babysit his kids for free, I might’ve even been able to swing a behind-the-scenes tour of the clubhouse before one of the games.

4. A DVD containing a photo slide show of the two of us in cute couple poses, set to the music of Jason Aldean. Now, I won’t pretend to know all that much about this Aldean character. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my time perusing my lady’s Facebook page, though, it’s that she’s as passionate about the guy’s music as I am about downloading her profile photos, using Photoshop to place myself in the background, and emailing them to her parents in Michigan. I’m not quite sure which songs would’ve been included on our soundtrack, but I have a feeling that each and every song in Aldean’s current catalogue would fit perfectly with intimate photos of the two of us in my basement apartment, at her law firm’s holiday party, and trying out that cooking class she’s always posting about.

5. A set of pink jumper cables. I know what you’re thinking: “This one sounds little out there.” Stay with me, though. Turns out I learned quite a few important factoids that time I stealthily followed my baby home from her book club and helped her change a random flat tire. First, for all of the junk that crazy girl has piling up in the trunk of her Jetta, jumper cables are not on the list. Second, every single item of clothing I snuck out of the gym bag in the back seat when she wasn’t looking was…you guessed it…pink. Math was never my subject du jour, but even I could have put two and two together to create this practical, yet personal, gift.

6. My heart. Well, not actually my heart, but a heart nonetheless. Just like with each of my ex-girlfriends, I fully intended on proving my love to my one-and-only by slaughtering a newborn pig, carefully removing its heart, and mailing it to her in a decorative gift box along with a note that read “You will always have a place in my heart. So, don’t lose it.” Knowing me, I probably would’ve followed that line with a smiley face drawn in pig’s blood for extra giggles. I’m funny that way. I guess we’ll never know now, though. Will we, Julie Dempsey?

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