Tiger Woods Successfully Dines At Local Perkins Without Sodomizing Even One Waitress

Altamonte Springs, FL – International golf sensation Tiger Woods thrilled dozens of area residents Tuesday evening by showing up at a local Perkins, ordering dinner and then leaving without engaging in violent anal sex with a single member of the restaurant’s female waitstaff.

Woods was infamously alleged to have engaged in rough sex with an Orlando-area Perkins waitress on a number of occasions in 2006 and 2007, just one of many such allegations that led to the end of the golf superstar’s marriage and started a PR nightmare that is just now beginning to wane. Tuesday’s visit to the restaurant chain was his first since the allegations went viral in 2009.

Dressed entirely in apparel bearing his own name, Woods arrived at the restaurant at 6:04 p.m. and was seated in a corner booth, where ordered an egg-white omelet with broccoli, a side of assorted chopped fruit and a large Diet Coke. According to witness accounts, Woods remained fully clothed throughout the entire meal and refrained from placing his genitals in his waitress, punching her in the boob, or calling her a “dirty slut” at any point during their interactions.

While some Perkins diners vocally chided Woods throughout the evening—with one man yelling “Get in the Hole!” every time Woods talked to his waitress—the vast majority seemed impressed by the golf icon’s sexual restraint.

“Prior to the controversy coming out a few years ago, my wife and I used to see Mr. Woods at Perkins all the time,” said a pleasantly surprised Gerald McNamara. “This is the first time in all those years that we’ve seen him leave the restaurant without having really roughed up a waitress’s privates in the restroom, parking lot or janitor’s closet. Looks like somebody’s growing up right before our very eyes.”

Long-time Perkins waitress Jennifer Gettings was assigned to Woods’ table on Tuesday evening, having lost a rock-paper-scissors contest with other waitresses in the kitchen. Despite knowing about his reputation with homely and average-looking waitresses, the slightly cross-eyed Gettings found Woods to be a pleasant and respectful patron.

“I’d heard nothing but horror stories about this man and all he had done, but he seemed like a perfectly normal guy to me,” said Gettings, following her shift. “At one point I could have sworn he said he wanted to ‘feast on my dirty parts.’ But when I asked him to repeat himself, he cleared his throat and said he’d asked if there was ‘yeast in the cherry tarts.’ Guess I just misheard him.”

Since 2009, Perkins has required all female waitstaff in the state of Florida to undergo extensive training designed to prevent any potential interactions with Woods from escalating beyond simple food service to extreme parking lot intercourse. Along with attending a four-week anti-Woods boot camp, all waitresses are supplied with Kevlar-reinforced underwear and electrified breast guards, or Shock Bras, and are injected with a variety of venereal diseases—all designed to dissuade the four-time Masters champion from making inappropriate sexual advances.

“Perkins prides itself on ensuring that our staff members are prepared for the most common and invasive of threats facing food service employees today, and that certainly includes sexually aggressive professional golfers,” said Perkins assistant manager Andrew Golding. “With that said, we couldn’t have been more impressed by the manner in which Mr. Woods carried himself during his visit. Not only did he refrain from trying to convince our hostess to have unprotected vaginal intercourse with him, he also didn’t attempt to swing his 3-iron into her sand-trap, if you know what I mean.”

When later asked to rate Woods’ behavior on a scale of 1 to 10, Golding rated it “a resounding Tremendous Twelve,” referring the restaurant chain’s legendary breakfast menu staple.

Representatives for Woods have credited his renewed success on the PGA tour, as well as his relative avoidance of the public spotlight, as key reasons why the golf superstar is gaining hard-fought acceptance in the vast majority of low-end restaurants and diners these days. His successful Perkins visit, they argue, is proof that tip-based restaurant staff are ready and willing to forgive.

“We couldn’t be happier that Tiger was able to avoid sexually accosting a single member of the Perkins staff last night,” said a source close to the Woods camp. “Not only does it show a level of mutual respect between himself and the food service community, it also proves that hardcore sex and all-day breakfast no longer share the same page on Tiger’s moral menu.”

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