FADE IN – MORNING IN A SUNNY FIELD
Man: Mornin’, babe.
Woman: For the millionth time, could you please not call me “babe”? Is that too much to ask?
Man (rolling eyes): Sure. Whatever makes you happy. Don’t suppose you made any coffee?
Woman: Coffee? Really? In all the time we’ve been together, do you remember a single time I’ve made coffee?
Man: I was just asking.
Woman: Yeah, you just ask me every morning. And every single time I just answer “no.”
Man: Okay, I get it.
Woman: You do know the definition of insanity, don’t you? It’s doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Just an FYI.
Man: I see your lips moving, but all I’m hearing is an annoying screech. You hear that?
Man: Enough! Would it be so hard to just say, “No, honey. I didn’t make any coffee.” Why do you need to make everything such a god-damned elaborate production?
Woman: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’ve been riding piggyback on a complete stranger since the summer of 2010, and he insists on asking me every morning whether or not I’ve made any fucking coffee!
Man: Like it’s been some amazing pleasure cruise for me having to carry your fat ass around all these years. Not sure if you knew this or not, but some women are able to stay in shape by NOT eating six full meals a day. Just sayin’.
Woman: So, now you’d like me to starve myself. Is that it? You’d like to see me risk my health and emotional well-being, all so I can look a little more like that skinny bitch in the 8” x 10” frame on the shelf above us. That’s just great. Way to perpetuate the very stereotype of feminine beauty that has haunted females for the past fifty years.
Man: Would I like you starve yourself? No. Would I like to get the feeling back in my legs sometime before I die? Damn right.
Woman: Stop it. Now you’re just being hurtful.
Man: No, I’m being honest. For once, it’d be nice if I didn’t have to feel like I was hauling around a 180-lb sack of lumpy potatoes bound together by wet cement.
Woman: And why do you care how I look anyway? It’s not like you ever want to make love, anyway.
Man: First of all, I don’t “make love” to women whose names I don’t know. Second, despite what you might read in those stupid magazines you insist on reading 24 hours a day, it’s pretty tough to have sex with a person who literally won’t get off your back.
Woman: Oh, and I suppose that’s my fault?
Man: Well, I sure as hell don’t remember offering to give you a piggyback ride that never ends!
Woman (sobbing): I wish you were dead.
Man: And here come the water works. Right on schedule.
Woman (sobbing): My father was right about you.
Man: Don’t even go there.
Woman (sobbing): Well, he was. From the moment we set foot in this field, he said you’d only hurt me. He said that trusting you would be like trusting a hungry bear at a sushi bar.
Man: What does that even mean?
Woman: You know damn well what that means.
Man: Like your precious father is one to talk about trust.
Woman (sobbing): Don’t you dare talk about him.
Man: This is the same old guy in the 5 x 7 frame who’s had the same little blonde girl sitting on his lap for over a year. Oh, and by the way, he doesn’t even have any grandchildren! Where I come from, we’ve got a word for your father, and it rhymes with ‘schmedophile.’
Woman: You go straight to hell!
Man: Will do. You want me to say hi to your pops while I’m there? I’m guessing he’ll be the one playing five-card draw with Jerry Sandusky and the King of Pop.
Woman: I hate you!!!
Man: I hate you more!!!
Man (breathing deeply): I’m sorry, baby.
Woman: Just don’t.
Woman (sniffling): Leave me alone.
Man: I didn’t mean it. You know me. I just get a little carried away when I don’t have my morning coffee.
Woman (smiling): Very funny.
Man: There it is. There’s the smile that deserves it’s own frame. What can I do to make it up to you?
Man: Are you sure? How about another lap around the field?
Woman: Well, okay.
Man: I pretend love you so much.
Woman: I pretend love you, too.