Hollywood, CA – Editors at Hollywood Face magazine sent shockwaves through the showbiz industry on Tuesday by naming actor Gary Busey’s bathroom tile-sized teeth as the creepiest celebrity facial feature of 2012, officially replacing 2011’s winner, Gary Busey’s crossed, lazy, and insane-looking eyes.
Busey, who rose to relative fame in the 80s and 90s with supporting roles in Point Break, DC Cab, and Predator 2, was first honored by Hollywood Face in 2003 when the magazine determined that the actor’s eyes seemed to be moved “by a system of winches and pulleys operated by an evil puppeteer living in his forehead.” Before this year, no other celebrity facial feature had come within 200,000 votes of Busey’s spastic eyes.
When asked for a comment on his latest award, Busey pretended to stab reporters with a nonexistent sword and rambled incoherently about nothing in particular.
“I believe with all my heart that washing machines don’t feel an ounce of pain,” said Busey. “After all, if a soldier throws a candle at a pair of shoes, he’s never going to understand the pure joy that comes with building your own coffee table. It’s a mystery of life that can only be explained by looking deeply into the brain of a tartar sauce container.”
News of Busey’s dethroning of himself was immediately met with an outcry of disbelief not seen since 1998—the year that Steve Buscemi fans became so enraged by the Reservoir Dogs star’s eyes finishing runner-up to the gap in Madonna’s front teeth that they brutally decapitated three of Hollywood Face’s unpaid interns.
“We realize that any announcement regarding Mr. Busey’s creepiest physical feature is going to be met with a certain degree of controversy,” said Wendell Eckhart, Hollywood Face executive editor. “A compelling argument could be made for continuing to recognize Mr. Busey’s enormously off-putting eyes as Hollywood’s single-creepiest facial feature. At the end of the day, though, we felt that the sheer size of Gary’s teeth, matched by the widening of his smile in recent years as he’s become more clinically unstable, propelled the chompers to a level all there own.”
Critics of the magazine’s recent decision contend that Busey’s teeth, while discomforting to anyone who encounters them without proper preparation, simply don’t hold up to the standard definition of “creepy.”
“Don’t get me wrong. Every time Gary smiles I feel like pulling out my old reel-to-reel projector and watching home movies on his teeth,” said Penelope Spheeris, Busey’s director in Black Sheep. “But just because a person’s teeth are unnaturally big, doesn’t mean they’re necessarily creepy. Busey’s eyes, though. Those eyes are creepier than a leech-covered mime raping an inbred clown on the roof of a conversion van.”
While editors at Hollywood Face intend to stand firmly behind their decision, they remind readers that Busey’s eyes could very well reclaim the top prize in 2013.
“If there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that you never underestimate Gary Busey’s ability to out-crazy even himself,” said Eckhart. “Next year could be the year that his nose or ears step up their game.”