Florham Park, NJ – The NFL has announced the suspension of New York Jets backup quarterback for five games following reports that the former Heismann Trophy winner tested positive for a generally uplifting attitude and superior moral fortitude.
According to league sources, Tebow was subjected to six random morality tests in the past year, with results coming back glowingly positive each time. The tests performed on Tebow reportedly included a quiz about the Golden Rule, over two dozen smile measurements, and forced screenings of the Kirk Cameron’s film “Left Behind.”
“After conducting our standardized testing on Mr. Tebow, it was revealed that he exhibited moral fiber levels between 300-400% higher than the average player,” said Bill Garrity, the NFL’s chief testing agent. “To put it in perspective, Mr. Tebow’s average test result last year was 596. By comparison, Pacman Jones registered a 3.7 in 2010. In my experience, you don’t see test results that high without some form of moral enhancement being involved.”
Staying consistent with his hard-line stance on positive test results and the punishments that coincide with such results, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed the league’s plans to suspend Tebow beginning in Week 1 of the 2012 NFL season.
“I know Tim very well and have all the respect in the world for him,” said Goodell at a press conference announcing the suspension. “That said, the collective bargaining agreement very clearly states that all positive tests will result in a suspension of six games for first-time offenders. Whether it’s marijuana, HGH, or super positive vibes, the consequences for any positive test result need to, and will, remain consistent.”
Representatives from the NFL Players Association immediately released a statement denouncing the league’s newly adopted morality testing practices, claiming that while Tebow may have tested positive, the testing practices that produced those results are both wildly inconsistent and heavily reliant on moral profiling.
“We’re not here today to argue the results of Mr. Tebow’s tests,” said NFLPA president DeMaurice Smith. “We all know he tested positive. That boy’s so clean and uplifting that the town in Footloose would probably re-ban dancing if he asked. No, we’re here to challenge the league’s stance that the testing of Mr. Tebow was random in nature.”
Smith went on to say that while the league did, in fact, submit over 700 tests designed to measure optimism and general happy-go-luckiness, not a single womanizer, drug abuser or wife-beater was tested over the course of the 2012 season.
“The fact of the matter is the NFL purposely targeted players with solid upbringings and positive social influences for morality testing,” stated Smith. “If the commissioner really believes that the league’s testing process is random and free of profiling, then why didn’t they test Albert Haynesworth or Antonio Cromartie even once last year? Those motherfuckers think morals are those big paintings on walls.”
While Tebow refused to answer questions following the Jets mandatory OTA session on Thursday, he did release the following statement to the media through his agent:
“First and foremost, I would like to apologize to my family and friends, the New York Jets organization, and all of my fans for any embarrassment the news of my recent positive tests may have caused. Having never faced a punishment of any kind, or the scrutiny that comes with it, the future remains uncertain. With that said, I have the utmost faith in the league, my union, my strong support system, and my God. No matter the outcome, I will continue to find meaning and purpose in all the unique and rewarding events of my life. In the meantime, I intend on spending my suspension mowing all of my neighbors lawns for free and offering pieces of my skin to burn victims needing grafts.”
When asked about Tebow’s latest statements, Goodell declined to speculate whether they qualified as yet another positive test result.