Vancouver, BC – With his latest action film Fight War on a two-day hiatus as producers attempt to obtain more funding, actor Steven Seagal spent Tuesday teaching unsuspecting Vancouver residents how to bend their arms and legs unnaturally behind their bodies.
Seagal’s unsolicited arm-bending demonstrations — based largely on a series of moves he perfected in his early action films — began when the cult-movie action star engaged local software engineer Bill McCollough outside a local Starbucks.
“I had just picked up an iced coffee when this obese guy with a pony tail grabs my arm and says ‘wanna see something cool?'” said a visibly shaken McCollough, his shirt sleeve covered in blood and bone splinters. “Before I could even answer, my coffee is on the ground and my elbow is touching the back of my neck.”
Shortly after his coffee house visit, Seagal was seen showing a hot dog street vendor how punch himself in the face with his own shattered and bloodied fist. Passers by approached in an attempt to diffuse the situation, but quickly dispersed when the legendary action star offered to alter the position of their limbs, as well.
“For Christ’s sake, I just thought the guy wanted a hot dog,” said Merle Winter, owner of Merle’s Wieners. “When he started snapping the bones in my fingers and laughing hysterically, though, I came to the conclusion he just has too much fucking time on his hands.”
Vancouver police were called to the scene shortly after Segal showed Vick Adelsen, an unsuspecting 73-year-old bus driver, how to break his own leg, wrap it behind his back, and stifle his cries of pain all in one swift move. Officers arriving at the scene, however, have yet to report back to their precinct.
Witnesses interviewed at the scene deny the officers’ existence.
“I don’t know anything about anything,” said Lanette Wilson, clutching her screaming baby close to her chest. “I didn’t see no movie star, and I didn’t see that same supposed movie star forcefully show two police officers how to swallow bullets from their service revolvers. Now, leave me alone!”
Fight War producers have yet to set a final production wrap date, but expect filming to continue in Vancouver at least through March 2013, if not longer.
In unrelated news, Vancouver mayor Harriet Lusker announced a mandatory 5 p.m. curfew for all residents running through March 2013, if not longer.