Kim Jong-il Shoots 14-Under-Par From Deathbed

fedcb-kim-jong-il1Pyongyang, North Korea – Kim Jong-il, late supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, was still able to golf a 14-under-par round of 58 on Sunday, despite being only moments from death, according to the government controlled media services.

Kim, who passed away on Sunday due to complications from an apparent heart attack, reportedly played 18 holes at the Pyongyang International Country Club from the comfort of his Craftmatic Adjustable Bed at the presidential palace, making one birdie, three eagles, and seven holes-in-one.

The impressive score represents the latest in a long series of mind-boggling golf rounds posted by Kim in recent years. Back in 1994, Pyongyang media reported that Kim shot an amazing 11 holes-in-one to achieve an unprecedented 38-under-par game on a regulation 18-hole golf course. It was reportedly the Supreme Leader’s first try at golf.
While his latest round fell short of that record-setting round, state officials believe the ruler’s poor health stymied what would have otherwise been his best round to date.

“Our Supreme Leader was a bit off his game today, but his impressive score still fills the hearts of every faithful citizen with immense joy and satisfaction,” said government spokesman Lim Ding-sul. “His tee shot from the 14th hole alone promises to defeat all foreign devils intent on spreading misguided propaganda about our great leader and nation.”

As reported by the North Korean media, highlights of the round included a bunker shot that landed in the hole without ever touching the green, all while the leader had his catheter emptied and IV changed. Also included in the play-by-play recap was a tee shot that bounced off the sun and into the hole and a 30-foot putt that was allegedly struck so perfectly that all women of child-bearing age became impregnated.

Sunday’s round was not Kim’s first round played entirely from his bed, with the 5’3″ ruler also playing an entire 72-hole tournament from his parents nursery at 15 months of age. The score of that round has never been released, but sources claim Kim won the tournament by 84 strokes.

Upon his death later in the day, the late leader’s successor, son Kim Jong-un, declared that the national flag would be changed from blue and red bars with a single red star to an enlarged printout of Kim’s last golf scorecard. As of this report, none of the nation’s starving, frightened citizens have opposed the measure.

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