Provo,UT – Despite investing millions of dollars over the past two decades, Ancestry.com co-founder Paul Allen reported late Wednesday that he has still been unable to track down any information that would support the commonly held belief that he has, at one time or another, had relatives of any kind.
Allen, who along with college classmate Dan Taggart co-founded the website that would become Ancestry.com back in 1990, has reportedly crashed the company’s multi-million dollar server system over two dozen times in the futile attempt to trace his lineage to a parent, sibling, grandparent, or sixth cousin twice-removed. His failed attempts at familial connection have reportedly cost his otherwise flourishing online venture — listed as the largest for-profit genealogy company in the world — nearly 23.1 million dollars.
Despite the web magnate’s decades-long failure to prove his existence through any sort of bloodline, Ancestry.com staff have confirmed Allen’s claims that he has come close on a number of occasions.
“Back in 2004, [Allen] thought he had a strong lead on third cousin named Mitch somewhere in Nebraska,” said Ancestry.com programmer Whitney Rabberstock. “He sent everyone home and locked himself in his office for three weeks. Turns out it was just some random high school guidance counselor who had the same last name. That one hit him hard.”
To date, not even Allen’s 8-year-old daughter [name withheld] has surfaced as a possible relative according to the website, despite Allen having been present at her conception and birth and her occupying a bedroom three doors away from his own.
“I’m fairly certain that my daughter exists and can, in some way, be connected to me,” said a visibly fatigued Allen during a recent interview in The New York Times. “But the website has not produced any concrete records over the past 8-plus years regarding any relation, so I’m a little hamstrung here. Guess we’ll have to hold off on buying her Christmas presents for another year.”
According to company representatives, Ancestry.com presently houses over 5 billion genealogical records in its system. Noted Harvard University statistician Gabriel Broussard estimates the odds of Allen not having at least one blood relative among those billions of records as approximately the same as winning three consecutive Powerball jackpots without ever purchasing a ticket.
“The fact that Mr. Allen is unable to provide proof of his lineage, let alone the fact that he was even born, just might be among the five greatest mysteries ever witnessed by humankind,” said Broussard. “In fact, members of our university’s physics department are even exploring the possibility that he may have been born in the center of a black hole that Superman was orbiting backwards super fast to reverse time. Sounds crazy, I know. But so does not being able to prove you have a fucking mother.”
Fears that Allen’s well-documented struggles would adversely affect Ancestry.com’s bottom-line were quashed in November after the company reported its third straight quarter of record subscription increases. When asked if Allen’s difficulties in any way impacted her faith in Ancestry.com, recent subscriber Anna Blumenthal was adamant that it had never crossed her mind.
“I feel bad that Mr. Allen is having so much trouble finding his family,” said Blumenthal while searching the site on her laptop. “But it doesn’t really have much to do with…oh, wait…yep…just found another cousin.”