1. Anyone who names himself after an outdated form of lighting may not have as bright a future in the superhero world as you think.

2. He was married to Scarlett Johansson and her Bacterial Vaginosis for over two years.

3. Promising you he’ll use his ring to create a condom an instant before he orgasms is complete bullshit.

4. His urinal tract infection makes a romantic dinner at your favorite restaraunt an absolute nightmare.

5. His weekly poker game with fellow Super Friends Apache Chief and El Dorado often turns racist.

6. If you are red-green color blind, you may have difficulty locating him if he accidentally falls into a uncovered tank of ketchup.

7. He believes that his magic ring eliminates his need for deodorant. It doesn’t.

8. If he ever proposes to you, the ring you’ll receive will be shit compared to his.

9. Batman just asked me for your digits last week, and he’s fucking loaded.

9.5. He doesn’t believe that life begins at conception, but rather that it starts somewhere around age 3 or 4.