A Stenographer’s Notes From Danny Tanner’s Failed Drug Intervention

From the office of Dr. Julia Kimble, Clinical Psychiatrist
Date:
May 14, 1995
Patient:
Danny Tanner
Present at Meeting:
Jesse Katsopolis, Joey Gladstone, Rebecca Katsopolis, DJ Tanner, Stephanie Tanner, Michelle Tanner
Stenographer present: Susan Alderson

——————————————–

Dr. Kimble (intervention specialist): Welcome everyone. I’d like to thank you for all coming today. It just goes to show how much Danny means to his family and friends. I think he’d agree that he’s one lucky man.

Jesse Katsopolis (brother-in-law): Thank you for arranging this intervention, Dr. Kimble. We all appreciate you helping us get through this tough time with Danny.

Dr. Kimble: It’s my pleasure. Danny should be here any moment. Do you have any questions before we start?

DJ Tanner (Danny’s oldest daughter): I have a question. Does letting Kimmy Gibbler feel me up under my shirt make me gay?

Michelle Tanner (Danny’s youngest daughter): Have mercy!

[Everyone laughs.]

Dr. Kimble: Okay, my assistant just buzzed me. Danny just arrived. Let’s get ready.

[Door opens. Danny Tanner walks in. Caught off guard by the gathering, he tries to turn to exit, only to see the door closed and locked behind him.]

Danny: Oh, shit.
Dr. Kimble:
Danny please have a seat.

[Danny sits on the couch between daughters DJ and Stephanie.]

Dr. Kimble: Danny, do you know why we’re all here today?

Danny: I know why you’re all here. You think I have a problem with meth. I don’t know why I’m here, though. I know that’s not the case.

Joey Gladstone (childhood friend): Oh, cut the bullshit, Danny. You’ve been messed up for weeks, and you know it.

Danny: You don’t know what you’re talking about, Gladstone!

Joey: Oh, I don’t? Maybe you should watch this video. [Dr. Kimble plays the following video.]



Danny: That video doesn’t prove anything. Hell, Stephanie was dancing too. Does that mean she’s a meth-head?

Jesse: Don’t you dare bring Stephanie into your shit!

Danny: Oh, why don’t you go record some shitty music with Jesse and the Rapists?

Jesse: It’s “Jesse and the Rippers,” Tanner, and you know it!

Danny: Ah, go fuck yourself.

Jesse: No, fuck you!

[Joey steps in between the two yelling men and performs his trademark comedy catch-phrase.]

Joey: Cut…it…out.

[Everyone laughs.]

Dr. Kimble: Okay, everyone. Let’s try to focus on positive language. Stephanie, did you want to say something to your father?

Stephanie (Danny’s middle daughter): Daddy, when you use, it makes you do creepy things. That scares me.

Danny: I don’t know what you’re talking about, honey. It sounds like you might be full of shit.

Stephanie: You know exactly what I’m talking about.

Danny: Name one time I did something creepy.

Stephanie: How about the time you paid my friend Billy $10,000 to let you shine his baseball bat. That was pretty creepy.

Danny: You’re a liar. And, by the way, your mother said she hated you right before she died.

Stephanie: Whatever. Doctor, could you please play the video?

[Dr. Kimble plays the following video.]



Danny: This is horseshit. If you think I’m going to sit here and let you all ruin my good name, you’re batshit crazy.

[Danny gets up, kicks open the door, and runs out.]

Michelle: Whoa, Momma!

Everyone: Shut the fuck up, Michelle.

[Everyone laughs.]

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