9.5 Reasons The Green Bay Packers Will Never Be America’s Team

1. Seven out of ten paraplegics living in the U.S. today list former Packer safety Chuck Cecil as the reason they are paralyzed.

2. While no concrete evidence of Bart Starr’s involvement in the bombing of Pearl Harbor exists, we all know better.

3. A hot tub + teenage girls + Mark Chmura = rape soup.

4. Aaron Rodgers insists the lyrics he gave Christina Aguilera for the national anthem on Sunday are correct.

5. Any team that will callously turn its back on Brett Favre – a man who epitomizes loyalty, decisiveness, and etiquette in texting – cannot be trusted.

6. It is highly unlikely that our founding fathers would view Najeh Davenport taking a dump in a college student’s clothes hamper as patriotic.

7. Americans do not approve of former Packer safety Mossy Cade sexually assaulting his aunt. (They do, however, approve of his nickname “The Aunteater.”)

8. While he agrees that there is no “I” in team, Packer linebacker Clay Matthews Jr. is adamant that there is an “L” and two “Qs.”

9. Until the Packers snort more coke than Michael Irvin, fill a van with more weed than Nate Newton, or expose themselves to more female reporters than Charles Haley, they will never wrestle the title of “America’s Team” away from the Dallas Cowboys.

9.5. While 92% of Packer fans believe in God, he believes in less than 6% of them.

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