Cutler Prepares for NFC Championship By Being a Miserable Prick

Chicago, IL – Following his team’s impressive 35-24 victory over the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told reporters that he will prepare for the NFC Championship game against the Green Bay Packers the way he always has: by being a complete and utter prick.

“As the self-appointed leader of this team, I don’t have the luxury of basking in the glow of today’s victory for very long,” said a snarky, downright rude Cutler. “I only have a handful of days to alienate the media and fans and behave like a spoiled, egotistical dink before the Packers come to town. And wasting my time talking to you guys isn’t helping any.”


Cutler was at his asshole-best on Sunday, tattling on several Seahawks’ players who made fun of him after the whistle and making his teammates break the huddle by yelling “Cutler” instead of “break.” Then, with the game well in-hand by the fourth quarter, FOX Sports cameras caught Cutler ordering a hearing-impaired usher near the Bears’ bench to work the rest of the game without his hearing aids in, which the usher did.

Cutler’s status as Chicago’s franchise quarterback and go-to jerk wasn’t always a given. Traded to the Bears by the Denver Broncos in 2009, Cutler’s first season in Chicago saw him stumble to a career-worst quarterback rating of 76.8, causing many Bears fans and media members to question whether Cutler’s attitude and preparation would ever match his unquestionable physical skills.
Then, in the spring of 2010, Cutler embarked on an intense off-season regiment of winking at himself in a mirror, spitting on autograph seekers, and making fun of the way his grandmother looked when she used her walker, all of which allowed him to come into the 2010 season with a new-found enthusiasm for the game he kinda likes.
According to Bears head coach Lovie Smith, Cutler’s renewed dedication towards petulant, egomaniacal behavior has translated into the type of success on the field that few expected, but everyone embraces.

“Jay has been a remarkably consistent prick all season long,” said a smiling Smith during Sunday’s post-game press conference. “From the first day of training camp through today, Jay has made sure that his sour-puss facial expressions, piss-poor attitude and general social awkwardness have remained unrivaled in this league. If I didn’t hate the guy, I’d pat him on the shoulder.”
Cornerback Charles Tillman took his praise of Cutler one step further.

“Without a doubt, Jay has been the MVP of this team,” said Tillman. “Sure, most of us in the locker room feel like gutting the big-headed f***, but I think his results on the field prove that behaving like a spoiled eight-year-old works for him.”

Packers head coach Mike McCarthy agrees with many analysts who cite Cutler’s ability to alienate fans and frighten small children as the core reasons the Bears were able to elevate their play in 2010.

“Defensively, the Bears will always be a special team,” said McCarthy following his team’s drubbing of the Atlanta Falcons on Saturday. “But what sets this team apart from Bears teams of the past five or so years is the fact that Cutler has found new and innovative ways to be a f***ing downer. We’ve begged Aaron [Rodgers] to behave similarly, but it turns out his parents raised him too damn well.”

As of this report, Las Vegas odds makers have Green Bay as four-point favorites to defeat the home-field Bears. When asked by a Chicago Sun-Times beat reporter how it felt to be the underdog at home, Cutler responded, “Your clothes make you look poor.”

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