Minnetonka, MN – Three-time divorcee Lynette Mulbach refused to console her 7-year-old son Justin last week after he announced his first-ever dumping at the hands of girlfriend Kayla Lindstrom.
Citing a hectic work schedule, two loads of laundry yet to be done, and three ex-husbands who taught her that love was nothing but a horrid, debilitating illusion, Mulbach refused to give any weight to the recent demise of her 2nd-grader’s failed relationship.
“I love my son, but it was all a bit pointless, really,” said Mulbach, fighting back a smile. “They’d only been seeing each other exclusively for about two weeks. I’m supposed to take time out from my hectic work schedule to console a kid who can’t even keep a girlfriend for more than two weeks? C’mon.”
According to several sources, Justin Mulbach and Kayla Lindstrom, both in the second grade at Adams Elementary, became exclusive at Billy Guthrie’s birthday party earlier this month. Guests at the high-profile event say the two were inseparable in the Chuck-E-Cheese party room, sharing the same glass of orange soda and pooling their skee-ball tickets to buy matching Shrek pencil erasers.
“You could tell by the way Justin let Kayla have the last piece of pepperoni pizza that there was a lot of passion between the two right off the bat,” said Cynthia Matson, mother of 9-year-old partygoer Connor Matson. “I’ve never witnessed such an intense connection. I told Janice Winkelman right then and there that they’d last forever.”
At school the following week, Justin and Kayla made a formal announcement to students and faculty alike that they were off the market. After only one week, however, rumors began to circulate that the young couple’s relationship was in serious trouble.
On Thursday, Kayla reportedly told several classmates that the relationship had fallen into a rut, while another anonymous source claims that Justin’s unwillingness to share his Lunchable with Kayla during lunch period had pushed the relationship to the tipping point.
While the precise reasoning has yet to be made clear, witnesses reported that later that day Kayla informed Justin that the relationship had reached its end, causing Justin to throw his Despicable Me Trapper Keeper down the hallway and scream “Girls are poopy!”
School officials called Justin’s mother later in the day after Justin reportedly attempted to chase over 30 Flintstones Vitamins with an entire tray of skim milk. However, Mulbach informed school officials she would be unable to pick her son up from school early, due to the fact that she was seeing a matinee of Black Swan with friends.
“In the absence of Ms. Mulbach, I tried to cheer Justin up the best I could,” said Adams Elementary guidance counselor Mel Bishop. “I told him that girls like Kayla are sluts and usually end up pregnant and on welfare by the time they reach their twenties, but you could tell he was too heart-broken to let any of it sink in.”
Upon returning home in tears after school to tell his mom about his heartbreak, a shell-shocked Justin found his mother unsympathetic and callous.
“When I told my mom that Kayla didn’t want to be my girlfriend no more,” said a teary-eyed Justin. “She laughed so hard she fell off the couch. Then, she got mad at me for making her fall off the couch. Then, she made me help her get back on the couch.”
When asked about her reaction to her son’s failed relationship, Mulbach offered no apologies, stating that her job as a parent is to prepare her son for the moments in life when “nothing goes your way and everybody is out to get you.”
“Listen, if Justin is anything like his father, he would’ve just ended up cheating on her anyway,” said the recently Mulbach. “The way I see it, Kayla was just protecting herself from some serious pain.”
For his part, Justin has tried to move through the process of grieving the best he can, with or without his mother’s help. His latest coping method was to create a mix-CD containing Kayla’s favorite Kidz Bop songs, including the rousing rendition of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.” [At the time of this report, Justin did not understand the irony of the track’s inclusion.]
Still, the younger Mulbach wishes his mother would extend a sympathetic hand in his time of need, or at the very least refrain from hassling him about his chores.
“When my mom caught my dad touching the babysitter’s ‘special area,’ and then cried for three straight weeks, did I give her crap?” asked Justin. “No. I let her have time and space. Now, I go through this with Kayla, and all I hear is ‘Pick up your toys, Justin!’ Can you spell BITCH?”